What I Really Am

Chapter 7

Chapter Seven

"Bren!" I grab his arm and he struggles. I pin him against the tree next to me and catch my breath. He squirms

There's a lump the size of a baseball in my throat. Finally, I give up trying to free myself. "Do you realize what you just did? You're JUST like your father. I'm different, like you, and you just yelled at me, hit me, for it. You're no better than him, Brendon." A tear rolls down my cheek. "deny it all you want, but you know it's true."

I try to speak, to tell him I'm not. I'm not the same as my father. I'm not a monster, but no words come out. 

Because Ryan is right.

He lets go of me and I have to get away, run, hide. I run without thinking, no looking back, as a tear trickles down my cheek. Desperately, I look for somewhere to be alone before the tears get out of hand.  I make my way to the one person I can turn to.

-/-/-/-/-

As soon as I knock, the door swings open to reveal a slightly disoriented, half-asleep Kellin Quinn. He is smiling and I look a wreck, tears drenching my cheeks and he seems oblivious to this for a moment.

"Hey man, what's-" he stops himself, realizing that I'm crying. "Whoah, come inside, man." We walk down the hall to his room and we plop down on the twin bed, and right now he's just a friend, not my manager.

"I hurt him," I say, head in my hands. "I fucking hurt him. And I love him. Fuck!" I look up at him, new tears welling up in my eyes. "What did I do?"

Kellin knows exactly who I'm talking about. "What exactly did ou do to Ryan? Dude, you can't have done anything that bad, you didn't cheat or-"

With my chest heaving, I cut him off. "I physically HURT him. He... he told me this secret, and I wasn't expecting it, and.. I kind of lost it. It's one of those things you tell someone you're close with. And then, I just... 

I shoved him really hard and he hit the end table, I didn't mean to hurt him. And I yelled at him. I feel terrible, Kellin. I was walking away and he ran after me, he stopped me. And he told me, with tears running down his face, that..." I sniffle and breathe in deeply, unable to continue.

"Well, what did he say?" Kellin says, face etched with concern.

"He said that I'm just like my father... He's right." Kellin's blue eyes go wide and his jaw drops to an 'o'.

"Oh gosh, man," he says, making sure not to say God, seeing as God isn't really ever on our side anymore. "You gotta go back, dude. Brendon. You gotta go back there and make up before he does something stupid and hurts himself!"

"I can't, Dad is going to be suspicious with me gone so long. It'll have to wait. Now I gotta go before he hunts me down." We are both standing up, and I'm grabbing my jacket and slipping it back on quickly. 

"I'm sorry bro, I could work your shift tomorrow if you want, and you tell your dad you got work anyway? Then you can go see him." I look at him, and through my tears, smile for the first time in a while.

"Thanks, man." We walk down the hall, and before I exit through the front door, he pulls me in for a hug.

"No problem." he whispers.

-/-/-/-/-

I get home to find the door unlocked. There's nothing in the living room except for my father-

My angry father. 

"Just where do you think you've been, Brendon?" he yells, and the lump in my throat comes back.

"I- I was at work, and they made me work another shift, I'm-I'm sorry, Dad." He gets up and storms at me, shoving me roughly into the wall. My whole back aches now, I'm sure it is going to be covered in tiny bruises.

"Don't fucking lie to me. I went to the coffee shop an hour ago and you weren't there. So unless you want to make this worse," he spits; his sour, alcohol-laden breath making me want to gag.

Fuck. I try not to cry, because his grip on my shoulder is crushing, and my back hurts, but most of all, because I can't let him know. He sees me hesitate, and throws me to the ground. My back lands with a sickening crack and I'm praying to God that it's not broken, that this is just a dream.

"I- I..." in between painful, shuddering breaths, "I was at..  I was at the music store with Kellin. He- He asked me to help find this EP and I lost track of time. I'm sorry Dad, it'll never happen again."

"Damn right it won't!" he says, landing a sharp kick to my stomach. I moan in pain. I can't take this much longer. "Because you aren't going to the 'music store' for quite a while." And with that, he goes to his room to nurse the damn bottle of whiskey he keeps on his nightstand. I lay there, crying.

At least he believed that I was at the music store.