What I Really Am

Chapter 10

A/N:: Okay I'm writing this while skyping the crush of my life ;-; if it is cruddy just lemme know, I'll rewrite it! (ps, if you wanna see what he looks like just ask) Also, the incantation and book mentioned are purely and made them up, so... I'm 99% that if these did work/ were real, this one wouldn't/isn't.

As always, enjoy, give feedback, etc. Thanks to all you loyal readers! Ryan and Brendon love you~

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RYAN'S POV

"And I think I know how we can be normal, Bren." 

He looks up at me through his eyelashes and sniffles. I tilt his chin upwards and meet him in a slow, sweet kiss. His tongue flicks across my bottom lip and as I shift, I open my mouth to him. Brendon's taste is one of coffee and herbal cigarettes, with something indescribable, something uniquely him.

He pulls away after a few seconds and rubs at his drying eyes.  "Wha-I.. Really, babe?" I bite my lip.

"Well, I have an idea..." He smiles a small smile. My heart flutters. I know he's excited. "But there's only a small possibility it could work." I push the sheet off me and get up, grabbing for my boxers. I can feel his eyes on me, scanning my bony, lanky body.

"Well then... what is it, Ry?" I turn back to face him, situating the elastic of my boxers back on my hips. He follows suit, and I can see a slight wince in his step as I pull back on my v-neck from on the floor. Damn, I was really oblivious. As he turns around to pick up his boxers, I once again see the bruises. They are covering every inch of his once pale, unscarred back. The milky white skin is replaced with ugly purple, black, and yellow splotches of various sizes. A lump quickly builds in my throat, and I can barely swallow. My heart thumps faster and faster, louder and louder. My breaths get smaller and more shallow with each passing second. All those feelings, those nagging voices yelling at me, they're all coming back. I don't lie them. They are screaming at me, verious curses and insults directed at me. I know they can't be real, they can't be true. Yet, I always seem to believe them. They've been visiting me more than they used to.

'You're not good enough! You don't deserve to be loved!'

'This will never work, loverboy!'

'He's going to realize just how worthless you really are!'

'Go fuck him the ass again, you mutt! You KNOW you want to!'

'No, even better, let him go fuck someone else! See how worthless you are after that!'

'Your just his dirty little secret. That's all you'll ever be!'

I break my stare and bring my hands up to my head. 

"Stop," I mutter. "Stop," this time a little louder. The voices are getting louder, and it feels as if they're encircling me. "Stop, leave me alone!" They circle closer, closing in on me. I fall to my knees and cover my ears. Their voices are increasingly louder with each insult, until they are shouting loud enough to leave my ears ringing. The insults are all swirling together, like a stormcloud. It's becoming more and more impossible to breathe and I can't take much more before I break. "Leave us alone!  He would never do something like that! Stop, please!" I am begging at this point, covering my ears Something grabs my shoulder and yanks me back out of my mind.

His worried, deep brown eyes meet mine and I crumple into his embrace. "Ryan, are you okay? I turned around and you- you just, you started screaming. You were telling someone to get away... no one was there."

"Babe, I'm... It was nothing. Just had a daydream, and I guess it wasn't good. I can't remember what happened in it..." I am a terrible liar, he already knows that. But he obviously knows I'm shaken up so he just lets it go. He gets up and then I take his hand and pull myself up. I walk out the room and he kind of stands there in a daze before following suit. I go to the coffee table in the living room and rifle through the stacks of books. Guts by Chuck Palahniuk, A Collection of Poems, Robert Frost, more Chuck Paliahniuk. A Separate Peace. Finally, while digging through the third stack, I find it. I pull out a cracking, leatherbound book and dust it off a little. Brendon looks over my shoulder and I spin around, now pressed up to his chest.