What I Really Am

Chapter 9

A/N: writing from my phone. This chapter was originally a filler but I decided to make it go towards the actual plot line now, instead of just fluffy, angsty Ryden relationship. This way, we can see Fetus!Ryan and Fetus!Brendon (hopefully) become a somewhat normal couple and go to school and live together. It all depends... Additional note at the end.

-\-\-\-\-\-\-

Brendon's POV

"You're... you're so beautiful, Bren. I mean it." He presses a feather light kiss to my collarbone.

I lay there next to Ryan for a good bit, smiling. I'm beautiful. No one has ever told me that. And I think I can believe him. Ryan is everything keeping me alive, he's the center of my universe. There's so many things I want to tell him. I want to tell him right now. But I decide against it. Somehow, I think he already knows.

His warmth is comforting, and after all that's happened, I need comfort. I shift my arm to brush a stray strand of hair out of his face, and Ryan's eyes widen and a look of realization flashes on his face. Ryan bites his lip and he scooches away from me, sitting up with the sheet bunched around his waist.

"Bren... Fuck. You, your, your wrist. I," his eyes are welling up with tears. "Why is there bandages on it?"

"I..." I can't finish it. My throat is closing up and I am trying desperately to maintain my composure and not break down. I can't ruin this moment we had. His face is pointed down at his lap and I see a tear drop down onto the sheet. I sit there in shock. What do I tell him?

"Bren, answer me." I can't, no matter how hard I try to desperately force the words out my mind. The voices in my head, the nagging subconscience, is screaming, begging to speak. Finally, the slightest whisper makes its way out my mouth.

"Ry..."

"T-take off the bandages. Please." My fingers fumble for the end of the bandage. I can't bring myself to see the look on his face, so I turn away as the bandage slowly peels away from my tender forearm. I sneak a peek at my arm. It is bleeding a little still, in some places. Probably pulled around a little from... earlier. The lines are bright red, the skin an irritated, splotchy pink. The cuts tore open the skin that was healing from my burning, and I can tell these scars are going to last.

Ryan looks at me and he has tears flowing down his face. He is trying to keep himself composed, and I can't look at him without tears spilling, so I divert my eyes down and my arm. I try counting the cuts and listen to his shuddering breaths, silent sobs. I listen to the beat of my heart. "B-babe... Bren. Look at me." I don't want to see him like this, or to see me like this. He looks so vulnerable and sad. 

"It's not your fault, Ryan. Dad was drunk again and he, he just lost it. He hurt me, Ryan. I don't even feel like his kid. I'm just another punching bag for him. And I was hurting so bad, and I just..." A sob racks my body and I let myself cry as Ryan wraps his arms around me. He plays with the hair on the back of my neck as he looks down over my shoulder at my back, and this just makes him cry even more. The huge purple and yellow bruises.

"How did I not see this before... Before.." Before we had sex. Yeah. "I'm such a fucking terribe boyfriend, I can't even keep you from hurting. I've done nothing for you. I want to save you, I can't. But every bruise, every cut, every mark on you makes me want to leave this fucking forest more and more. I want to be normal, for you." I pull away and look at his drying eyes, his bottom lip quivering. Ryan's eyes are red from crying and he takes hold of my hand. He brings the cuts up to his mouth and presses ghosting, light kisses to them all. He makes sure not to hurt me.

"Ryan, I love you." is all I can manage. He looks up at me, the corners of his mouth curling into a small smile.

He attaches his lips to mine in a chaste kiss and whispers as he pulls away, "I love you too... "

"And I think I know how we can be normal, Bren." 

-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-

Is this as short as it seems to me? No? Okay... Well, this story his pretty far in and depending in how it goes, there is most likely going to be a sequel (or two or three) to What I Really Am. How's that sound? ;D