You Look Better Dead

Deliver Me Pain

Had time really gone by. Things have changed. I am known for what I did and I am praised for it. I took a huge risk in becoming a terrorist. Who knew I would change America. Who knew that I started change.

"London, are you okay" my son asked.

"I'm doing well, yourself"

"I'm doing good" he answered.

"I have a question"

I then looked at him

"how old are you again" I asked.

He was a little taken back by this. He quickly fixed his posture and open his mouth to answer.

"19"

"Impossible" he couldn't be that age. That would mean I spent 19 years alone without memory.

"To be far you didn't have anything to track time with, you are technically 39"

My mind went completely numb. I was gone that long. It took 19 years. I began to laugh.

My body began to tremble.

"So, that would me Kahlil is 47" and killian would have been 51. My heart ached. I couldn't breathe. My whole world felt like it was closing in on me. All I felt was the need to escape. I need to run.

I ran passed William and continued running until I couldn't run anymore. My began to race with intrusive thoughts and voices began to plague my mind. I circled around my self looking for an escape and found a room. I ran in and saw kahlil sleeping in his room with his wife. I ran quickly out of there and my vision began to blur slowly. I heard my name being called from behind me before I felt my body collapsed on the ground.

I was out.

I got up shortly after that in a hospital room guarded by officers. Which wasn't the best thing to wake up to after being kidnapped taken to Russia where I murdered men for 19 years of my life. I could have easily stopped after the first kill. I could have killed myself.

Why didn't I?

What did I think about for 19 years.
What transpired in 19 years.

I look different, I haven't had the pleasure to look at a mirror during this process and I have gotten hotter. Like I look decent. For a 39 year old.

William and Khalil found there way back to my room and we all stood there in silence.

"How are you feeling London"

"I should have died there"

"What"Khalil said.

"I should have died there" tears fell from my eyes as I understood the weight of how I felt. "At the explosion"

"London, if it weren't for you, this world would still be ran by racist white old men," William said.

"The world moved on after I was gone. They thought I was dead and they were okay with it, I became a symbol of change and now the world expects me to got tell them how I did it, like I'm supposed to forget 19 years of blood on my hands, years of being completely alone," i couldn't stop talking. It was like a wave of anger and sadness has taken over my ability to stop. "To be honest, the day you found me was the day I remembered everything. I remembered my birthday, I remembered my love for you," I pointed a Khalil." When I fell in love with Killian, when my last thoughts were I want it to end right here"

"So, it was a suicide mission" Khalil asked

"Yes, I was in pain, I lost people close to me because of me, do you understand that, that pain doesn't go away, it trickles behind in your mind and become the most powerful thought in your subconscious mind"

In years of silence I felt like not being silent at all.

"I never thought so much time would go by, this is so hard to keep going back in forth in my head to figure out which is the real me and which is the me that was trapped in side a cell for 19 years"

"We get it you went through so much in those 19 years" William said. "We are here for you and will help with anything you need"

"The man I thought I could possibly come back to is back with is wife, my sons grown up, and the revolution grew and took over and made America better then it has ever been" I sighed thinking about the factor that brings me back to my point. " I wasn't there to witness, to grow, or get to love I was kidnapped and used for murder with no memories of the life I had"

"I'm sorry, I didn't find you sooner, we tried every single resource but didn't find your location until we got a tip you were a fighte-"

"No, I wasn't a fighter I was a murderer" I corrected kahlil and stared him straight in the eyes.

"I'm sorry" he said. He walked out the room and I could hear the silence getting louder again.

"Just know I'm here for you" William said and he left the room as well. I'm a mess. 

If only I could lose my memory again. I laughed at that thought and stood up. I felt a tad bit better after that emotional release. I got changed in my now regular clothes. They apparently think I'm a history teacher. I left the room walking to the exit of the building. Walking past Khalil and William talking to my uncle James who I haven't seen since I got back. They notice and walked towards me.

I had already called a car with this new app that apparently connected with my chauffeur. I hoped in and we drove off leaving them behind to watch as I leave.

I don't know what I want to do, I'm free now. I have nothing else to think about. I'm okay.

I'm okay.