You Look Better Dead

Are You Sure

"Welcome home, London"

I stood in the same house and where everything started. He sat there grinning at me.  He stood up. Keeping his eyes fixated on me.

My body felt paralyzed. He walked closer to me. Step by step, he got closer to me. So close it felt I could feel his breathe on me. His hands found its way onto my waist.

"You will always be mine"

I felt his lips collide on mine. His hands grip my waist and pulled me even closer. I was so in the moment I didn't even realize my eyes closed.

I opened my eyes to see I was caged up again. I ran to the door frantically trying to open it. I tried kicking it and ramming myself against it.

"You're mine forever"

I woke up from myself in a bed of sweat. My heart was racing still from the dream. I wiped my face and felt tears on my face.

I calmed down and got up from the bed. I walked to my bathroom thinking about the dream I just had and sighed heavily. I went to my sink and wiped my face with a towel. When I looked back in the mirror I saw figure behind me with a gun. Before I could do anything, they shot it.

I jumped up from my bed. Looking around to see it was still dark outside. I ran to my closet and grabbed my gun. I looked around my house holding my gun close to me.

I searched everywhere. I was alone. I dropped my gun on the counter in the kitchen and grabbed a water bottle from the fridge.

I sat in the kitchen for awhile just sitting in my thoughts. I didn't realize the sun had came up. A heard a knock on my door and grabbed my gun. I walked to the door to see William at the front door.

I opened the door and William looked straight at the gun.

"Are you okay?" He asked with concern.

"I'm okay, just a bad dream" I answered. I put the gun down an let him in. We walked to the kitchen and I offered him a drink.

We sat and talked for awhile. He told me about his girlfriend and boyfriend which was a surprise to me at first but It didn't matter who he loved or how many people he loved.

"I'm happy for you" he smiled and grabbed my hand.

"I have a question," he said. "Why didn't you get back with Kahlil?" I slid my hand from him and I sighed.

"I- I didn't want to ruin his family again, his child was who I wasn't thinking about, that child deserves a two parent home" I answered him. Letting the thought of loving Kahlil again run around in my head.

"He would still have his mom and his dad, they would just not be together" said William.

"I'm dating someone already"

"Who"

"His name is Victor, an-"

"Please tell me this is not the same Victor who took you for 19 years" William said raising his voice a little bit. "Wow"

"Look, I know, it's not who anyone would expect but he actually ki-" I was cut off when William slapped me in the face.

"Kind! Kind!, I spent all my life living up to your image being a martyr for you and what you stood for because you were dead, I've wondered for years what you were like, I've only heard story and tales of things you done and the people you loved, I heard about your courage, and you choose to the love the man that took you from me, I never got to know you, don't you hate him for that"  Tears fell from his eyes as he yelled and all I could do would stay quiet. "I'm disappointed in the person I got to meet"

He grabbed his stuff and left. I sat there for a bit reminiscing on everything he said.

Victor walked in and saw me sitting in the kitchen alone. He walked up behind  me and kissed my neck. I got up from my chair and walked to my room.

I locked it behind me and laid on my bed. Victor banged on the door calling my name for 30 minutes straight. I continued to ignore him. He finally stopped  and left to where ever he goes when he is not with me. I laid in silence for the the rest of the day. I felt nothing. I felt no need to feel, to get up, to live.

I got up and went for the one thing I knew I needed in this moment.

My dream was right about one thing I need to die. I grabbed the gun I had in the kitchen and went back to my room. I locked it back. I sat on my bed looking at the gun.

I slowly held it to my head and caught a glimpse of my image in one of my small mirrors. I started to feel. Everything hit me at once. Tears rushed out of my eyes and my heart felt heavy.

"He's right, I'm a disappointment to myself, to him, to this whole system that looked to me for the answer" I said aloud which made me cry even harder and made my decision even easier

"I'm nothing"

I clenched the gun and before I could pull the trigger I got a phone call. I looked over to see it was Kahlil. I grabbed the phone and answered it.

"William tol-"

"I need you" nothing else could be said from me but that. I dropped the phone and gun feeling pathetic about myself.

I fell into a crippling depression.

I curled up into a ball, tears sill falling from my eyes as I hugged myself for comfort. I heard my front door burst open and then my bedroom door. There stood Kahlil. He looked at the scene then saw the gun next to me. He walked over to me taking it off my bed and putting it away. He climbed in my bed with me. He  wrapped his arms around me pulling me closer to him. Flashes of last nights dream distracted the feelings of despair I had.

Kahlil stayed with me the whole night. We didn't talk we just laid there in silence. He continued to hold me close and kissed my forehead every now and then.

"I love you London"