Too Far Apart

22. Together

It is not that Jiang Cheng did not notice the restlessness of the eyes following him around the room. It was unnerving but reassuring. He wasn't going anywhere, Jiang Cheng kept telling himself. But the problem was, he had created an unnecessary fear within Lan Huan of being pushed away.

He noticed first when he placed his hands on the other's chest and the man stiffened and moved back a step. Wanyin felt jolted but still moved in and hugged the man. He went stiff before returning the gesture. It was the nervous look that made Wanyin want to hug the other in the first place. Then, as he combed his hair in front of the mirror, he caught Lan Huan still looking at him wistfully and his eyes widened and looked away as they met his. He sighed inwardly.

Once in neat robes and relaxed, he found his mind wandering to find the best way to approach the topic. He came down to sit opposite Lan Huan who poured the freshly brewed tea and pushed it to him.

"I could use some alcohol," he whispered testingly and again witnessed a moment of pause in the other's action before he continued to pour himself some as if nothing was bothering him. He started speaking with something he always wanted to ask.

"Back then, when you gave me that gift. That ribbon. Did it..? What did it mean, Lan Huan?" Jiang Cheng called the name purposefully, hoping it would ease the other's mind. Lan Huan had asked him, again and again, to call him that but Jiang Cheng was too embarrassed and too scared to go there casually. Now it sounded like home in his voice. It did have an effect, the storm clouds were in turmoil and determined as they looked up at him, "Back then, I had only hoped you would know I wanted more than a friendship with you."

Jiang Cheng nodded, "Things were a bit difficult back home. I did not open it until after we had gained back Yunmeng from the Wens. Once I did, I was hopeful, surprised but hopeful. I was also in a lot of pain and grief that I did not have time to process. So it was a moment of relief and hope. It did take me quite a while to think of the best way to respond."

Jiang Cheng did not speak in a hurry, but he did speak in a single breath. As he took a moment to collect himself, Lan Xichen responded.

"About that. When you responded, I was happy and hopeful. The gift, however..." Lan Xichen seem to hesitate and Jiang Cheng decided he's would save him the trouble, he had already given

 the other man enough worries.

"I know. I met Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji in town this early afternoon. I saw it in their hands and they told me where they retrieved it from."

"I don't know Wanyin how he knew about it or how he came to be in its possession. I never once told him about it or parted with it under his care. I..." Jiang Cheng frowned deeply. He had not thought of that possibility. All that he had thought of was the fact that Lan Huan had not turned away from him, not rejected him for another, for better. That was all he cared about even now.

"It doesn't matter. Who took it, what happened, why it happened or even how. I can't keep living in the past. All that mattered, does matter to me was that you did not turn away from me to go to him."

With age, Jiang Cheng had come to realise his biggest fault ever. His feelings of insecurity, his inferiority complex. He couldn't help but blame his parents for it and yet he couldn't blame them for it. So, to know he wasn't beneath anyone else in the eyes of the man he loved was all he needed. He could never say it, he wished someone would understand his need, his pathetic need to be placed first, to not be shown inferior or lesser than others. He didn't understand this as a teenager but he clung to the feeling of being treated fairly, equally when the great ZeWu Jun, back then, apologised to him in front of others, gave him the small note, entrusted him with his first night hunt, scolded him not for showing off but for incurring injuries and in care. Not to mention Lan Huan's trust in him on a battlefield, never once telling him to command a smaller fleet, or questioning his need for vengeance, the silent company, the sincere compliments.