Married Without Love

Chapter 24

Today I had an appointment with my therapist for the second time in a span of a few weeks. The previous time it was my ex fiance that brought me here and this time it was my husband.

It has been a couple of days since Nathan and I had that argument in his office about Hannah going to the press about her relationship with Nathan, and we haven't spoken since. Story of our lives. We seem to be getting along just for a moment than we argue and go back to ignoring each other. This was getting exhausting.

As I ran over all the things that I had experienced since my marriage I realised how fucked up this was. I had accepted the proposal to make my grandparents happy, but in doing so I was living a fake and toxic life. That could never make them happy. This wasn't in any of our best interest.

My husband was sleeping around with women and was in a serious relationship with someone who wasn't me while I turned a blind eye to his infidelity. But was I truly ok with it? The answer was no. And yet I was too proud to get him to stop and show him that his cheating was affecting me.

I'm a workaholic, ambitious woman who has not been in a serious relationship since my previous engagement went sour about five years ago, and has pushed away everyone who has showed romantic interest in me. I've dedicated my life to my work and my dreams but yet in a way I crave love, even if I don't admit it. I crave to have a happy and healthy relationship with a partner who truly cares for me and makes me happy.

As I explained Nathan's strange behaviour towards my professional relationship with my male associates, I realised that this began only after we returned from London. About the same time when I started to develop feelings other than indifference towards him.

"It's possible that he's possessive of you," dr Sinclair said. "Jealousy is not uncommon in a relationship."

"A real relationship," I corrected. "Where people actually love and care about their partner, something we lack and our relationship is anything but real. I think it's more of a manly ego thing."

"Why do you think that you're relationship lacks love and care?" She asked and I stared at her dumbstruck. Was she not listening?

"Besides the fact that he has a girlfriend and couldn't care less about me?" I asked her.

"Yes your relationship isn't in anyway normal or healthy, but I wouldn't say it lacks love and care. It's obvious that you both care about each other."

"No...we don't!" I denied almost immediately. She gave me the look as if to say, 'oh really?'

"You cook for him, he always wants you to live in his house where he can see you, he is observant to who you roam around with, you remember all the little details about him as you were very precise in your account of all the things that went down between you. You even quoted all his exact statements," she pointed out.

"I have a good memory," I defended but it looked like she didn't believe me. "Ok but that doesn't prove that there is love and care among us."

"Maybe not in a romantic sense, but there definitely is warmth in your relationship," she said. "Fighting is not uncommon in a relationship, every healthy one has it."

"But what's the point?" I asked. "How do I feel ok, how do I not be affected by this mess, how do I cope with it all, with the stress and everything?"

"I can't tell you that, I have no direct answer for you Hailey," she admitted. "But I'll advise you to open up a little bit. Come out of your shell a little, be honest with yourself about what you really want. You can't keep lying to yourself. Free yourself from what's holding you back if you really want to feel ok."