Life in Switzerland

Happy Father's Day

Author note: it's Father's day in Switzerland, so here is a little something about Ri Jeong Hyeok's journey to fatherhood ♥️

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Before meeting Seri, Ri Jeong Hyeok had never thought about being a father. 

It had been a distant idea, too abstract to really think about it, and to grasp its reality, as if it couldn't apply to him, not really, not ever. He couldn't see himself as a father, despite having a loving one. 

Of course, at that time, he knew what was expected from him. 

Marry Seo Dan, give her children. 

It was as simple as that.

And as complicated as that. 

Having children was a duty, as much as being a soldier or being loyal to his country was. The emotional dimension of it all was just non-existent, he didn't feel ecstatic, he didn't feel impatient, he didn't feel anything at all, he just felt misplaced. As if another man was living his life, in his body, making decisions on his behalf, while he was observing from afar, helpless.

The very first decision he really took, besides investigating his brother's death, was the day he found Seri up in a tree, hanging by her paraglider, pestering, threatening, moaning, as if she was somewhere safe and not about to fall from a few meters.

He had decided to hide her. He didn't know why at that time, why it had mattered that much that he made sure himself that she was safe. Why the idea of leaving her in Cho Cheol Gang's men's hands had been  making him uncomfortable, sick even. 

She was innocent, and somehow familiar, this stranger from the south had awakened something in him. Something he couldn't recognize, nor understand, and that he had chosen to ignore, focusing on sending her back to her world, safe and sound. 

She had wished him to have a family, while they were sitting by the fire, next to the train, and for the first time, he had been honest, open about how he really felt. 

It had been oddly liberating, overwhelmingly so, and he had forcefully repelled the urge to confide in her even more. Her smile, her frank gaze, everything about her invited confidence, everything about her made him want to let go and listen to that little voice that he had reduced to silence since the death of his brother. She had given him the desire, foreign, strange, to be alive.

She had comforted him, she had laughed at her own misadventure, her smile brighter and warmer than the flames in front of them, but, a few hours later, in that restaurant in Pyongyang, he had seen the longing in her beautiful eyes, the hesitation in her gorgeous lips. 

Her head on his shoulder, the weight of it strange but so right, her smell overwhelming all his senses, her words had been clear enough, even if he had pretended to not hear her. 

It felt wrong then. The idea of having children with Seo Dan. Or any other woman for that matter. 

Children were not a duty, children were a commitment, children were supposed to be out of love.

Without realizing it, that idea, that had been so distant for years, had grown into an irresistible desire. Being a father didn't seem like a chimera anymore. Maybe he could become one, to a child with bright dark hair and an eye smile that had the power to warm him even in the coldest snow storm. 

When he had gone to Seoul to find Cho Cheol Gang and to protect her, he had sworn that he would make things easy for her, no confession, no physical contact, nothing to mourn once he was gone. Because she deserved to be happy and he couldn't bring her happiness, and it broke his heart. He had so many things to tell her but he didn't have the right to do so.