paracosm-delusional nightmares

{marcid}

-trigger warning-

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I noticed the way the red flowers trickled down my arm that day,

Did you?

I noticed the way I shake now whenever a person comes near me,
Did you?

I noticed the way my mum cried behind my closed bedroom door when she first brought me home after going through that hell,
Did you?

I noticed the way my dad stopped talking to me after he heard about what happened to me,
Did you?

I noticed the way my brother never lets me go out after 6 in the evening now,
Did you?

I noticed the way I started losing weight so quickly
like the sand in the hourglass,
after that night,
Did you?

I noticed the way I pretended to smile when my walls were breaking down,
Did you?

I noticed the way my parents talked about hushed tones about the small being residing inside me after that night,
Did you?

I noticed the way they talked about letting it go because I'm too young,
Did you?

I noticed the way you didn't care if I was young or not when that happened,
Did you?

I noticed everything,
Did you?

Never.

The only thing that you noticed
Was me,
My body,
My mind,
My soul.

And you tainted it,
Destroyed it,
Without noticing how
I was dying right there.
Crying,
Shaking,
Screaming for you to let go.

But you didn't.

This is not what I thought would happen
The day
I noticed you
And said those three beautiful words.

This is not what I thought would happen
The day
I noticed the way you were acting differently,
As if you wanted to do something
But were hesitant about it.

This is not what I thought would happen
The day
I noticed that my brother was crying
Because now I had turned 18,
The age where came to an end, my teen.

This is not what I thought would happen
The day
I noticed how my parents were hesitant
To send me outside.

This is not what I thought would happen
The day
I was coming home from the coffee shop
After a party with my friends,
Just to see you standing in the middle of the road,
With a devilish look in your eye.

And God, you weren't alone.

I noticed the way the red flowers trickled down my arm that day,
As I shouted at you for messing things up,
Did you?

I noticed the way you forcefully held my hands and told me to stop blaming you,
Did you?

I noticed the way you tainted my body with bruises that day,
Did you?

I noticed the way your friends were just standing there
Laughing at my misery,
Did you?

I noticed the way I sobbed and cried and trembled that day
Because my trust had been broken by the one whom I had trusted the most,
Did you?

Of course,
You didn't.

And now,
I lie here in my bedroom,
With no one around me,
The sheets clinging to my body,
As I have another one of those dreams.

I noticed,
Did you?

The red flowers are trickling down my hand again today.

I noticed,
Did you?

The sweat forming on my forehead and hands is making a pool.

I noticed,
Did you?

The birthday cake is kept on my bed with the candles lit beautifully.

I noticed,
Did you?

The small being in my body is moving in a frenzy.

I noticed,
I think it did too,
Did you?

The painful look in my eyes as I slowly climb the table beneath my decorated fan.

I noticed,
Did you?

The tears are flowing down my face slowly.

I noticed,
Did you?

My parent's screams and my brother's cries are coming from outside my locked door.

I noticed,
Did you?

The smile on my face as I let go for the last time,
As I feel the pain for the last time.

I noticed,
Did you?

My parent's twisted faces and my brother's howling intensifying as they kick open the door and watch me.

I noticed,
Did you?

You standing right there, with the apologetic look on your face,
Saying something,
I can't listen.

But I noticed,
Did you?

My last words,
"Sorry, but I have to let go."

As my body goes numb,
As my legs go weak,
As my smile grows,
As I fall down.

The weight of my lifeless body in your arms is so much but means nothing.

I didn't notice,
Did you?

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-about-

written: june 11, 2021

I had the first line going through my head throughout the whole day yesterday, and I thought 'why not put it down in words'?
The self-referring pronouns do NOT refer
to me.
Though the poems that I have written during this year are going to be published after the earlier ones, this one is too difficult for me not to publish. Sorry not sorry, my past self.

If you weren't able to read the poem because of the trigger warning, I'll sum it up.
I've written a poem about a person who's been sexually assaulted by someone they loved. The pain was too much to bear and they let go.

I doubt I can describe this pain, the pain that experiences like these leave.

-anyways, thanks for reading, people!!-

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