If We Found Heaven ✓

twenty-two ✩

Asking out Sullivan had been a whim. However, instead of the usual light-hearted feeling she got when she made decisions on the fly, this time, she had been nervous. Nervous that Sullivan was going to laugh in her face and say no. Nervous because she really, really, really wanted to go on this date. Nervous that this was a bad idea. Her worst idea yet, really. Because it was. Because Sullivan deserved better than a shitty person like Cass, and Cass needed to give her the time and the space to move on.

Sullivan rarely remembered drunk experiences. Cass was the opposite. She remembered them in such detail and clarity that they could replay like movies in her mind. She remembered sitting down on Sullivan's floral bedspread and hearing the words come out of Sullivan's mouth.

"I like you, Cass. I really, really like you. And I have," Sullivan had said, "for some time now."

Cass had wanted to say it back, she really had. But a lump had risen in her throat, and something inside her had been screaming that if she confessed it, she could never take it back. She wanted Sullivan to be happy. So she had bit her tongue and told herself that there would be no feelings involved that night. But there were. There were always feelings involved with Sullivan.

Now, as Reid lay on her bed, staring dreamily at the ceiling, and Cass held up a dress in the mirror, she cursed her decision to ask Sullivan on a date.

"You're not being much help," Cass said impatiently, tapping her foot on the floor as she glared at Reid.

"What?" Reid asked, his eyes slowly finding her. "Sorry, what did you say?"

Cass snorted, pushing his leg over and sitting down on the edge of the bed beside him. "What's got you so preoccupied?"

"Nothing," Reid said. He was a very unconvincing liar.

Cass raised her eyebrows. "And is 'nothing' code for Arthur's giant d--"

Reid's mouth fell open and he stared at her, horrified. "Oh my god, Cass!" he exclaimed, cutting her off. His cheeks burned red.

Cass snickered. "Well is it?"

"No!" Reid folded his arms across his chest.

"So you weren't thinking about him?"

"Well," Reid said hesitantly, "I was. But not about that."

"Of course not," Cass replied, winking. Reid rolled his eyes. "Do you like him?" she asked after a beat.

Reid gave a helpless shrug. "Dunno."

Cass tapped him on the nose. "I think you do know."

Reid dropped his gaze to the bedspread. "I don't want to know."

"He did kiss you, right?" Cass asked.

Reid looked up abruptly. "How did you know?"

"I know everything," Cass replied airily, waving a hand. "You did kiss him back, right?" Reid paused, then nodded. "So? Don't you know the answer?"

Reid exhaled. "But... I'm not, I mean, I've never been..."

"Things change, Curls," Cass said. "People change. We all change. I mean, I'm about to go on a date with my best friend."

"Aren't you scared of change?"

"Change happens, whether we like it or not. The least we could do is take it gracefully," Cass replied, shrugging. She stood up, holding up her final two dress choices. "Now, green or orange?"

"Orange," said Reid. "Definitely."

The entire drive, Cass couldn't keep her eyes off of Sullivan. Sullivan, for her part, was keeping her eyes on the road. That was probably a good thing, Cass thought. She didn't want Sullivan getting distracted by Cass's overpowering beauty. However, Sullivan had seemed calm and collected when she had picked up Cass. Perhaps she wouldn't have been distracted after all.

They parallel parked on a busy street, and Sullivan came around to the passenger side of the car to open Cass's door. "It's a beautiful night," Cass said, indicating the stars. Sullivan hummed in agreement, offering Cass an elbow and whisking her off down the sidewalk. They waited at a couple of stoplights, dawdled at corners, and finally reached the restaurant that Sullivan had picked out.

"Does this feel weird to you?" Cas asked as they sat down.

Sullivan's blue eyes found hers over their respective propped-up menus. She shrugged. "Not really."

"Good," Cass said, a relieved sigh escaping her lips. "Good." Something had changed in Sullivan since the night they slept together, though Cass wasn't quite sure what it was. She no longer turned red at peoples' touches, and was caught lost in thoughts about her music less and less. "You've been different lately," Cass said as their food came.

Sullivan blinked at her. "Have I? I hadn't noticed."

"You're less... Sullivan," Cass replied.

Sullivan let out a laugh. "I'm always Sullivan, Cass." Cass sighed, but made no further comment. They dug into their food, filling the space between them with mindless chatter. Cass heard about Marie's inability to make toast. Sullivan heard about Cass's new talent for making smoke rings. It had only been a few days since they'd talked like this last, yet it felt like a lifetime had passed. It felt like something had broken between them, creating a gap unbridgeable and untraversable. Cass tried, but their easy friendship was just out of reach. Maybe it was because they were on a date. Remembering it sent a thrill through Cass. Maybe this was going to be the official end of their friendship. Maybe they were going to become more than the best friends they had always been.

"Is there gonna be a second date?" Cass asked nervously as they left the restaurant.

July was leaning against the car, looking vaguely bemused. "Sure. But next time," she said, pointing at Cass as she opened the door, "you're paying."

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cass is the definition of a hopeless sapphic