I can't imagine my life without it. They're with me since I was 13, but it looks longer. It seems like forever since the first time they gave me.
At first, I didn't understand. I wasn't ill. Medicine was for the ills, so it made no sense. But if they told me I had to take it, what choice do I have? They knew better than me; they were adults.
Since then, twice a day, every day, I take my medicines.
When I was younger, I skipped the pills sometimes. As I said, I didn't feel ill. But I was wrong. In the beginning, skipping was no problem. Then, after a couple of months, I couldn't imagine my life without my medicine. Whenever I tried to rebel, to test what would happen, I started to shake, to lose my strength; I even passed out once. I stopped skipping after that. Now, twice a day, every day, I religiously take my pills.
I've accepted that I'm ill, I've accepted the adults knew better, and I needed the medicines.
I also accepted Illiodor. He showed me the world. But, more importantly, he showed me the truth about myself.
The last time I didn't take my pills was because he asked. He wanted to show me something. I was terrified; I knew I would be sick. But Illiodor assured me he would by my side, helping. So I trusted him; I did what he asked.
For the first time, I understood my illness. Illiodor helped me saw what was wrong with me.
It was brief, but before passing out as I did all those years ago, I saw hell. It was still Russia, but it was hell. People were demons; Illiodor was an angel, my angel.
When I woke up, he was by my side. Holding my hand, as he promised. The world was back to normal, no more hell, only understanding.
I wasn't ill; I was misguided, and Illiodor promised to guide me; he said that with time I wouldn't even need the pills anymore.
After the first year, I saw him for the first time. And even with the pills, I saw a demon.
I told Illiodor, and he worried. He said that if I saw a demon, even with the pills and the training, it was because it wasn't a simple demon. It was the Antichrist itself.
At that moment, I understood what I had to do.
It took me a year, but I finally had a shot at him.
It was night; of course, it was night. He was wandering alone.
Lurking in a dark corner, I could see his true face and, more importantly, his true intentions.
Since the first time I saw his picture in the newspaper, I had a knife with me. I knew what I had to do; I knew my mission.
I ran and yelled.
The moment he turned, I stuck the knife in his abdomen. I could feel his blood; I knew he was going to die. I couldn't believe it, I've had done it. I accomplished my mission; I've achieved my goal.
"I have killed the Antichrist!"
Except, I didn't.
THE END
*****
Khioniya Kuzminichna Guseva (c. 1880/81 – after 1919) was a townswoman (meshchanka) of Syzran. Starting in 1899 she lived in Tsaritsyn, now known as Volgograd. She became an adherent of the monk Iliodor until 1912. She attempted to kill Grigori Rasputin in 1914.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Khioniya_Guseva
