endgame - vmon/taejoon

17. PAST

length: 1.1k words

—

THEN.

The door shuts with a loud slam and although the loud music instantly turns into muffled, background noise, Namjoon can feel the ground shake beneath his feet and the air vibrate all around his skin.

He can hear the door lock itself as he leans against the wall and slides down to the floor, hugging his knees and trying desperately to catch his breath but —

He can't do that. He can't catch his breath, he literally can't — there's just no oxygen in this bathroom, in this entire house — and he's trying but he can't breathe —

He's suffocating and for a split second, he wonders if this is how astronauts feel when they end up stranded in space, floating aimlessly and gasping for one last useless breath.

He wishes he was dead.

"Just breathe slowly," Namjoon hears Taehyung say, "stop gasping. Focus on my voice, okay?" And, again, Namjoon tries, he genuinely does, but there are too many loud sounds and Taehyung's voice fades into the background along with the music.

"Joonie, slow down," Taehyung says again, pulling him closer and inside, and Namjoon realises that his sharp inhales make up the loudest sound in the bathroom.

"You're having a panic attack," Taehyung explains, guiding him towards the bathtub. "Come on, this will help, okay? Just..." Taehyung helps him take off his shoes, then socks. "Lean on me, like this," and then they're sitting on the edge of the bathtub, and Namjoon's feet are dipped in ice-cold water, and he doesn't feel like he's floating in outer space anymore.

He still wishes he was dead. He fucked up, he is fucked up, and he just—

"Joonie, trust me," Taehyung says, holding his hand tightly and pulling him back to the present. "Stop thinking. Just focus on my voice. Focus on the sounds."

Taehyung keeps talking, repeating the same requests until Namjoon starts doing as he says. He can hear Taehyung's voice, clear and familiar, an occasional high-pitched crack from his childhood and a breathy rasp from his future. He can hear the music in the background; a new radio hit he's been listening to all week, but it's muffled and distant compared to the lively vibrations he can feel under his palm, the vibrations he can see in the water, the coldness of his feet and his ankles, the warmth of taehyung's hand in his—

"I'm okay," he breathes out, feeling more grounded. "Sorry. I just... I don't know."

"Don't say sorry," Taehyung tells him, "you were having a panic attack. It's not your fault."

Namjoon just shrugs.

"Are you sure you're okay?" Taehyung asks. "How did it feel?"

"I felt like... like I could breathe but there just — wasn't enough oxygen. And like I was floating but not in a good way," Namjoon tries. "I don't know. It's weird. I freaked out before and stuff but never like this. I'm fine now."

"And now?"

"Better. I promise," Namjoon says. "You can go back if you wanna, I'll just wash up and follow you. I'm not sure if I'm up for partying but I'll just hang outside or drink—"

"I'm not leaving you," Taehyung huffs. "Not when you're like this. Don't be silly."

"I'm fine," Namjoon insists. "How did you know how to deal with this? In movies they kiss to end panic attacks."

Taehyung grins. "I mean, this could've worked but I didn't wanna take the risk and end up overwhelming you instead."

"If this happens again, you have my consent to go for it."

"You'd go to a party again? After tonight?"

"I'd go anywhere for you."

"That's gay," Taehyung mutters, rolling his eyes, and Namjoon laughs because their faces are inches apart and he can feel the heat radiating from Taehyung's flustered face. He leans in and presses a kiss on his warm cheekbone.

"Thank you," he says, just as quietly, then rushes out when Taehyung opens his mouth to interrupt him, "I don't know how but I felt like I was stuck in that state and you just — really helped. I've never dealt with that so... Thanks."

Someone bangs loudly on the door. "Busy!" Namjoon yells out, then turns back to Taehyung.

"I didn't do anything," Taehyung shrugs. "You're welcome, though. It's just — just in case this happens again, it's two things. You were breathing too fast for your lungs to keep up — it wasn't not enough oxygen, it was too much oxygen, so focus on slowing down and breathing evenly even if you feel like you need to do the opposite. There is air, your brain's just tricking you."

"Smart," Namjoon comments. "The kissing thing makes sense, then. When you're kissed, you stop breathing, no?"

"Exactly. And the second thing is — you said you felt like you were floating away. My sister gets panic attacks a lot and she described it like drowning away. When this happens — and it doesn't happen only during panic attacks — you need to ground yourself. Focus on the real world around you, like—"

"Your voice," Namjoon guesses, "the water."

"Me holding your hand," Taehyung grins.

Namjoon rests his head on Taehyung's shoulder and they bask in the quiet for a few minutes, stirring their feet in the water to the muffled beat, and it hits Namjoon just how exhausting this whole ordeal has been but how numb he feels right now — and it's good, to be numb when the only other option is to let the stress eat pieces of your soul instead.

"It wasn't severe," Taehyung murmurs, then asks, "But what triggered it?"

Namjoon knows he's held this question in from the start.

"Mum texted me," he tells him. "Grandparents came over and everyone's talking about how proud they are of me. Wanted to call me and put me on speaker but couldn't because they know it's against the library rules since, you know, I'm supposedly studying hard in the library right now. And I'm sleeping over so we can stay up studying. And I don't feel like the guilt will eat me alive."

"Oh."

"Yeah."

Taehyung purses his lips then stands up and pulls the plug. He lays his palm on Namjoon's shoulder and rubs lightly as Namjoon watches the water drain. "C'mon," he says, when the water on his skin starts to dry, "let's go upstairs, to the roof."

Without waiting for a reply, his hand slides from Namjoon's shoulder all the way down to his wrist, and he holds it gently. Namjoon follows without a word, wondering if Taehyung knows he's holding his heart too.

—

have u ever had a panic attack? how do u deal with them?

oxygen toxicity is a thing and inhaling too much oxygen (100% oxygen from tanks) can kill you. your body naturally doesn't allow you to inhale too many times without exhaling properly.

however, many people — while freaking out, having breakdowns, or panic attacks and the like — tend to feel like their chests are closing up and they inhale too much, too fast in hopes of making up for the air they feel like they aren't having enough of. as a result, their bodies fight that and it makes them feel worse, like they're choking harder.

so, if you ever find yourself in this situation: do the opposite of what you feel like you need to do and hold your breath. hold your breath, then breathe slowly. exhale, don't just inhale. don't let your mind trick you into thinking that there isn't enough air in the room.

this is where the "kissing to stop a panic attack" thing comes from and why it's sometimes helpful (not always tho, because that's not always how panic attacks go) :)

stay safe and take care of yourself! -rio