EVERMORE (COLBY BROCK)

15. THE HEARTACHE

You understood now what Lady Serena must've felt when she saw Cole with you. The pain, the clenching of the chest, the nauseousness you could never seem to shake. It felt ridiculous to be so torn up over the loss of a courtship with a man you hardly knew. But there was something about Cole, something so magnetic, that made you feel like you knew him all your life. And you thought he must've felt the same way. Had his apology meant nothing? How could he turn around and cast you to the side? You tried so hard to understand his reasoning, to come to terms with the fact that he was doing this to keep you safe, but did he not realize how much he was hurting you by doing this? Did you really mean that little to him?

You stood by the drink table at the ballroom of the Viscount of Cliffton. You watched as young men would approach the ladies to dance, the way the ladies' faces would light as they accepted, presenting their dance cards to the men. You felt sick to your stomach and set your drink down, looking away. How was it fair that everyone else in the kingdom could be happy? Everyone except for you?

"Miss Covington," a voice came, pulling you out of your thoughts.

"Your Grace," you greeted when you saw the Duke of Eastmoor standing in front of you.

"I'm sorry to say I heard what the prince has done."

"Please, don't talk about him. Not to me."

"My apologies," Kevin said. "How about a distraction, then? The next dance is starting soon."

You fiddled with the dance card attached to your wrist, considering his offer. You had nothing to lose. You'd lost the prince's affections twice now. And while your mother had said that it's okay to not marry your first season, you knew that what had happened would make you virtually unappealing to all the men in the ton. At least Kevin was kind enough to still talk to you.

You held out your dance card for him to take, and he signed his name in the slot for the next dance. Then, when the dance began, he led to the dance floor. And, just like the first time you danced together, it felt like you were floating. For a fleeting moment, all you could focus on was the dance. Not Cole, not what he did, not the uncertainty of your future. Just dancing, and all the joy that came with it.

But, all good things must eventually come to an end.

The dance ended, and you and Kevin bowed to each other. You turned to return to the drink table, when it felt like you had been shot in the heart. Kevin, who noticed your distress, followed your gaze. Across the room was Cole, but he was not alone. He was with Lady Serena, laughing with her like he once did with you.

Then, you felt Kevin lead you away, saying, "Come, there was a beautiful painting I wanted to show you."

You nodded, too in shock to speak.

He led you to the far side of the ballroom, far away from Cole and Serena, far away from where you could peak through the crowd and allow yourself to be hurt by the sight of them. Somewhere along the way, Amber joined your other side, saying something to Kevin. You didn't know what. You didn't care what.

You reached the painting Kevin wanted to show you. Lord Aryia was already there, cracking jokes about the obscurity of the design.

"This was the painting you wanted me to see so bad?" you asked.

You supposed it was beautiful in its own sense, but you thought it was going to be some breathtaking piece for it to be able to distract you from your pain.

"Yeah, I suppose it's not that great," Kevin admitted. "But just think about it. Someone poured countless hours into this work. It meant something to them. It made them feel some type of way. And then they sold it, so that other people can see it and feel some type of way."

"I don't think you're going to make me feel better about what's happening with a mere painting, Your Grace. But...thank you. I appreciate the sentiment," you said.

Amber led you to a bench near the painting, Kevin and Aryia following close behind. The four of you sat together, and Amber asked, "Do you want to talk about it?"

You shrugged. "I don't see why talking about it would make it any better."

"It won't make it better," Aryia said. "But not everything is about making things better. Sometimes, you need to let things off your chest. Speak your truth into the universe. You won't get anything from it, but sometimes, some emotions are too much to keep inside. You carry a sort of burden, and it hurts you more in the long run."

You considered his words. You supposed there was some truth to them. At the very least, you knew you could trust the three of them to not judge you for your feelings. To not laugh, to not try and diminish your pain.

"It just hurts," you said. "I...I understood why he called off the courtship. I understand that. I understand that Serena was more than either of us thought she was. I could agree that perhaps things would calm down again if we went our separate ways. But that didn't mean it didn't hurt. I...I thought that I at least meant something to Cole. That he would've done something more besides just...leave."

Amber squeezed your hand.

"And, I hadn't even seen him since that night. He walked me home with Amber, and then he just disappeared. And I was okay with that. I understood that it must've hurt to see me in such a state, and to have not been able to do anything at the time. And then the days passed by, and I thought maybe he was trying to help the authorities. And then he finally shows up, and he....he says the one thing that would break my heart."

You paused. For a moment there was silence. None of your friends dared to say anything. They allowed you to have your moment, and for that you were eternally grateful.

"I just...I never expected him to be kind to her. Not after everything that's happened. And I want so desperately to believe that it's for a reason, but just...seeing them together makes me want to scream. I mean, we all know she had something to do with it. So how could he cozy up to her if not for a reason? But there's that part of me that's like, maybe Serena didn't have anything to do with. Maybe he just didn't like me as much and he used that moment to get out instead of being honest with me. I wouldn't hate him if he realized he truly would rather marry Serena than me. I just...I thought he liked me enough to tell me the truth, even if it hurt me. Because, at least I can come to terms with the truth. I don't think I can ever come to terms with all of this doubt."

"You know what we should do?" Amber said.

You looked to her, frowning. "What?"

"All four of us should just steal some of our families money, buy a house far away from all of this nonsense, and never have to worry about the stupid prince or Lady Serena or having to marry ever again. We can live our lives as we see fit."

You laughed. "Amber, you know we could never do that."

"Come on, just play along for a little bit. It never hurts to just imagine a better life without all of this pain and suffering."

And so, for the remainder of the ball, the four of you painted a picturesque life together on a far away plot of land, where there were no royals to hurt you, no pain of seeing a former suitor leave you for the lady who swore vengeance on you. No societal conventions, no marriages, no worrying about having an heir. Just four friends, living a life the way they chose to live it. And, even though it was just a fleeting thought, for a brief moment, it brought you some semblance of peace.

And, maybe, just maybe, that was the beautiful painting that Kevin had wanted to show you.