A Crowded Place

Chapter 21: Plea

My heart was a whirlwind of emotion throughout dinner, and during the morning of the day after.

I was confused - if what Jacob had told me was true, how in the world could he have gotten himself involved in this mess? Why did Yale Gossip say that he was in a relationship? That must have been true to some extent - Yale Gossip never made things up unless there was substantial evidence.

I was angry at him - how could Jacob be so selfish? I couldn't believe that he was putting my reputation on the line in order to escape the limelight that he must've put himself into. I couldn't even begin to fathom what the other students might think, or say behind my back, when they found out that I was in a relationship with someone who was already taken. Especially if that certain someone was Jacob Dalton.

I felt bad for Jacob. I knew that these were contradicting emotions, but I couldn't help but feel sorry for the guy. I remembered the way he was almost begging me to help him the night before - his ocean eyes betraying shadows of fear and desperation. I wondered what it would feel like to be so popular and be involved in a relationship scandal. No normal person would want a scandal involving them, right? Jacob certainly didn't seem like one to enjoy being put into the limelight, despite his confidence and sometimes even arrogance.

To be frank, I was also a little pleased. The fact that he had come to me for help, when he could probably have asked any other girl at Yale and they would have agreed, no doubt enthusiastically - that made me feel just a bit better. But then again, what did he see in me? Doubts started to cloud in. Was I pretty? Surely not. What about my personality? To me, I seemed like the blandest person any guy could ask for. Then could it be my music? I scoffed at the idea. I couldn't even imagine 'competence in music' ever being a part of the 'criteria for good girlfriends'. But it was Jacob Dalton we were talking about here - someone who practically lived and breathed music. I had to settle with that: somehow, my violin abilities had attracted one of the hottest guys on campus.

I felt a certain thrill at rejecting him last night - to think I had that kind of control over a guy so coveted by the female (or male, you never know) population at Yale, made me feel pretty powerful. But I couldn't let it go on like this. I was sure Jacob had been hurt by my sudden storming away, as well as my unkind words yesterday. I knew I wouldn't be able to focus on anything if I didn't at least go and talk to him again, if only to smooth things out between us.

——

I was ascending the long, winding staircase up Moor House, where I was told Jacob resided. I had gone to great lengths to find him - having asked around for almost half an hour, I had understood that he had finished classes for the day. I then went around the Music Center in hopes of finding him in the practice rooms, to no avail. Finally, after further questioning, I found out that he might be studying in his dorm. I was repeatedly mouthing his dorm number, scared of forgetting it as soon as I reached his landing.

Strange stares from older students accompanied me on my way to his dorm, which conveniently happened to be near the end of the hallway. They clearly didn't recognise me from Moor House, and seeing my red cheeks and strained breathing, guessed that I was unaware of the elevator in the building.

I finally reached Jacob's door. After a few short knocks, the door opened cautiously. Jacob peered through the crack of the door, complete with ruffled hair and sleepy eyes. He looked startled to see me.

'Hi.' I said.
'Hey Liv,' Jacob began uncertainly, his eyes still widening in surprise.
'I would've thought you would be at the Music Center right now.'
'I usually would be, but today I didn't really feel like it.'
I nodded, noticing how tired he looked. There were bags under his eyes and he looked like he hadn't slept in days; so different from the polished, handsome lad I had seen on the night of the Talent Show.
'M-may I come in?' I stammered.
'Oh.' He cleared his throat, as if he had just realised that we were talking out here in the hallway. 'Of course, come in!'

I tried not to stare as I entered his dorm. Over his bed hung a huge Canadian flag -
'I didn't know you were Canadian!' I remarked.
'I came to the US when I was 5, so I don't remember much about Canada.' Jacob shrugged.

Otherwise, his room looked just like I had imagined: minimalistic, yet cosy. Leather-backed chairs and a dark academia aesthetic to govern the style of the room. Jacob gazed at me with his intense blue eyes, while I took it all in. I turned back to him, smiling. I caught a whiff of sweet cologne in the air.
'Sit, please,' Jacob motioned me toward his bed. He sat down on his leather bean-bag with a thud.

'I came here to talk to you,' I began, 'About what you said yesterday.'
Jacob's opened his mouth, as if to say something, but didn't look too hopeful.

After a long pause, he said: 'I'm guessing you came here to say how absurd my request was, and how selfish and unthoughtful I was being? Before you say anything-' Jacob held up a hand, as if he knew what I was going to say. 'Before you say anything, I just want to tell you that I'm really sorry for what happened yesterday. I should have realised that all that news came as a shock to you. I should have reconsidered the matter from your point of view. But I didn't. At that time I was so scared, and frustrated, and confused...' He faltered, and I could see his eyes now glistening with tears.

He lowered his head, scowling as he took a swipe at his face to dry his tears with the back of his hand. I sat there on his bed adjacent to his bean bag, my eyebrows furrowed in concern. I'd never seen him so vulnerable, so agonized. His strong, big-guy façade had completely fallen before my eyes.

I knelt down next to him, and tentatively placed a hand on his broad shoulders. I could feel how defined his muscles were underneath his t-shirt.
'I'm so sorry, Jacob. I can't imagine how hard it is for you right now. I want to help, I really do... but both our reputations would be on the line. It's just that-'
'No, it's fine.' Jacob started abruptly, looking up at me with fierce eyes. 'I've changed my mind. I don't give a shit about this gossip blog anyways. So what, if the whole campus knows about the relationship? It never even happened and that's what I'm going to convince them.'

I let out a startled 'what?'. Jacob stared at me intently, and I could see the anger in his indignant look.
'Thanks for your help, Liv, but I think I can manage this myself.'

After a few seconds of silence, in which I tried to digest his change of plans, I just said: 'Okay,' and gave him a quick hug. It felt right. I felt his shoulder muscles move as he reached around to hug me. I took in his earthy smells and sweet cologne, and finally we let go. I felt jitters in my stomach, but told myself that now wasn't the time.

Before I turned and headed for the door, I caught the beginnings of a smile on Jacob's face. But it was streaked with sadness and pain.

'Take care of yourself, Jacob.' I murmured as I eased open the door.
'I will. Thanks for coming here, Liv.'

So I shut the door, my head still spinning from trying to process what had just happened.