A Crowded Place

Chapter 24: Lovely

'Jacob, you know we can't do this.' Came my muffled voice.

Jacob leaned back, looking crestfallen. After I sat back up, he scanned my face, but I hid any sign of emotion. Finally, he sighed, looking defeated.
'I know how you feel, I really do. But we have to keep in mind our purpose all the time.' I continued.
'Purpose?' He perked up, looking hopeful again.
'Yes, our purpose, which is to convince everyone that we're boyfriend and girlfriend. We've done a fantastic job so far. And I'm happy that I've been able to help you throughout the process. That's all there is to it.' I replied matter-of-factly.

'Oh, come on!' Jacob looked away again. He let out a frustrated groan, resting his chin on his hands as if he was thinking deeply. 'Do you really expect us to get through this little game without falling for each other? Or at least me falling for you?'
'I-I don't know. But we have to try.' I stammered, feeling a little flustered. 'Don't you see? Any real relationship between us was-' I looked to him again, 'Was not in our agreement when I said I'd help you out. Remember? I said I'd be your pretend girlfriend.' A look of pain filled his eyes as he turned to look at me again. 'Also, having a relationship under these circumstances is just wrong-'

'Liv,' He cut me off, as if he'd heard enough. I understood his pain - this wasn't what he wanted to hear. 'Liv, do you like me?'
'Of course I like you! Otherwise why would I help-' I replied indignantly.
'Do you love me?' He cupped my hands in his. There was a long silence, during which I tried to formulate an answer.
'I-I don't know. I can't say.' I gently pulled my hands back, and wiped away a tear that had formed in my right eye.

'Aw, come here,' Jacob said, as he embraced me in a hug. I closed my eyes, breathing in his comforting scent as his body enveloped mine. He breathed in deeply, then said: 'I'm sorry I pushed you like that. I can usually control myself much better. I think I'm going crazy for you, Liv.'

Sniffling and not trusting myself to speak, I just squeezed him tighter, hoping that that would suffice as an "apology accepted".

'We'll take it slow and easy, okay?' Jacob peered at me intently.
'Yeah,' I sniffled, smiling. 'Thanks.'

——

After that emotional rollercoaster of a night, I pondered over what he had said over the next few days. Jacob hadn't brought the topic up since, and I was particularly glad that he was keeping to his promise of taking things easy.

Even after I had thought about it over and over, I remained firm in my belief that we should not develop a real relationship, as much as we both wanted to. I tried to keep that part of me locked away at all times, because it would betray my yearning to be Jacob's proper girlfriend, and subsequently make me feel horrible.

Apart from spending time together as "boyfriend" and "girlfriend", we would also be study buddies. Even though I mostly studied with Alana, Henry and Sophie, sometimes when they were all busy, I would call up Jacob. I'd then go to his dorm or we'd go to a cafe in New Haven to study. Having a buddy who is a year above mine is a huge advantage, because he had taken some of my courses before and could guide me through my assignments and homework.

Now that I was neck-deep in content in all my classes, I had to be more focused and productive than ever. With the help of my friends and Jacob, I was averaging an A in every subject. I was beyond grateful to all of them for being my biggest motivators and supporters.

Homework and academics were rigorous, but I made sure to be productive, which allowed me extra time to spend time with my friends and Jacob, as well as to practise violin. Once I had gotten into the groove of things, the going became easier. The workload at college definitely felt lighter than the monstrous one I had imagined for myself back in Australia.