A Crowded Place

Chapter 26: Silver lining

I remember when I was in boarding school back in Australia, whenever I'd had a bad day, I would Skype my parents who were living in a farmhouse in the country. My mum would often say to me at the end of the call: 'Don't worry, sweetie, don't take things too seriously and remember that every cloud has a silver lining.'

I had always found it a little cliche, but now I realised that I was subconsciously trying to put her words into action. And it could have been nothing short of a miraculous coincidence that Alana also said something like 'looking out for a silver lining' when I told her what had happened between me and Jacob the night before.

Alana was really understanding and checked up on me multiple times throughout the day to ask me how I was feeling. But the truth was, I didn't know.

I did know for a fact, though, that that kiss was heavenly - the feeling of Jacob Dalton's lips pressed against mine was probably the best birthday present he could have given me, and it made the ideal first kiss. And even though it came unexpectedly, I knew that I - or at least that alter ego of mine - had led him onto it.

But now that my alter ego had faded away, the guilt stormed in. It kicked down all the protective barriers inside my head and messed me up completely. Several times during the day I felt close to having a breakdown. But in those moments I remembered what my mum had told me, about not taking things too seriously and looking for a silver lining. I had to put aside my pride and think about how Jacob would have felt.

Jacob said it himself - he couldn't control himself and his feelings for me were too strong. He loved me. I had to pause for a few moments to digest that. Jacob. Dalton. Loved. Me.

I never would've thought those words would make sense in a sentence, but that was the reality now. So I had to ask myself the dreaded question: did I love Jacob Dalton?

The answer? Yes. I was whole-heartedly infatuated with him. Jacob was more than just a smart, witty, talented saxophone player. He was also humble and kind and extremely affectionate. My love for him had grown exponentially over the weeks we had been together in this 'fake relationship'. So why couldn't we make it real? I guess it was my pride that didn't allow it to happen.

From the outset of this relationship, I had promised myself that I was only doing this to help get Jacob out of the situation with the gossip blog that he had got himself caught up in. My pride would never allow me to turn it into a real relationship - it just seemed wrong. But if I had thought more carefully about the whole thing, I would have realised that the situation was much more complicated than that.

To begin with, how in the world did I think we were going to maintain this? Were we going to fake being in love forever to escape the limelight? If we went back to just being friends, or even pretended that none of it had ever happened, the next thing we know, Yale Gossip would have published a blog stating that we had 'broken up', and we'd be thrown face-first into a pool of drama all over again. But we couldn't fake our relationship forever, both of us would go mad.

Furthermore, I had signed myself up for this. Choosing to get involved in Jacob's relationship drama was my own decision, so I had to bear the consequences, whatever they would be. That was part of my integrity and morals, and I would never back down or change it. I should have known that our relationship was going to become something more. And maybe I did, all along - and just didn't want to think about it.

Lastly, what was so bad about having a real relationship with Jacob? Now that I was sure I liked him, what did it matter if we really became boyfriend-girlfriend? Everything happens for a reason, right? So maybe everything that had led up to this point - us meeting in the auditorium, the talent show, the blog post - maybe all that meant something. Maybe my guardian angel was manipulating events so that we would fall in love in the first place. Perhaps not in the most conventional way, but in a way that allowed us to connect deeply and get to know each other before we cemented our relationship.