Spotlights and Symphonies

Apologize

     We watched Merlin for a couple hours. I left a few times to put a new load in the washing machine but I always returned. And so did Tom's eyes whenever I reentered the room. I only looked back once, just for a second, but I couldn't make out what he was feeling.

     We stopped for lunch around noon at which time Anna and I's clothes were clean. Still feeling uncomfortable in my pajamas I went up and changed, Anna did so as well.

     The rain outside went from a drizzle, to a pour, and back again. It was solemn but peaceful. I caught myself staring, more than once, at the raindrops that fell against the large windows in the kitchen and watched as they streamed down. The atmosphere is perfect for writing a song, but the company dampened the mood. I'd feel awkward writing in a room full of almost strangers.

     Harry proposed playing a card game. Not in the mood, I said I'd watch, planning to scroll through my phone the entire time. Only Harry, Haz and Anna wanted to play. Tom wandered off somewhere. Curious, I searched for Tom's Instagram. Embarrassingly, I recalled from our argument he said the 'Holland residence'  and used that as a clue.

     Wow. He really is famous. 45 million followers. That is insane. And I'm staying in his house... Better watch myself, I'm starting to sound like the girl he thinks I am. Nonetheless, I'm still not star-struck. Maybe it's because I knew him as just a guy first? So I know he's normal?

     I see he posted on his story. I click on it.

     My volume is so fucking high- I turn it down as fast as I can. The other three at the table look at me slightly amused.

     "Sorry, a TikTok," I lie, praying they can't guess from the millisecond of sound what the video was. Laughing a bit, they go back to their game. I hit the volume button once and hold my speaker up to my ear. Its the song Tom was playing last night. Bringing my phone away to look at the screen I check that it is actually him playing.

     He looks so tired.

     Secretly listening again, I hear him say 'bollocks' in the groggy voice I've almost exclusively heard him speak with since we've been here.

     When its over I watch it again, but without the sound. And then once more, only listening to the audio. Its clear he's still learning but he did well. I scroll through his page looking at all the different posts. Promotional stuff, stuff about his coworkers, photoshoots, him just being... goofy? He looks genuinely happy in most of these. Even in the ones revolving around his work. Debating whether or not to follow him I realize he wouldn't get the notification if I did. There is no chance someone with that many followers has notifications on. His phone would be steaming. I click the blue button.

     I'm not really sure why. We had a huge blow up this morning so why do I want to keep up with him? Still, I've almost completely lost all of the anger I had towards him. Maybe its from how sad he looked. Made me feel bad, and bad for him. That manipulative son of-

     As if he knew what I just did, what I was thinking, Tom walks into the kitchen. We make eye contact for a second, but I quickly break it to make sure I was off of his account and pretended to be interested by the photos in my feed.

     Thankfully he went over the the kettle. Damn these guys love tea. I wonder if this is the normal amount of tea for British people to ingest or if they're fanatics in this house. Looking between the card game and my phone, I don't dare look at Tom. A result of feeling guilty I presume.

     "Tessa needs to go out so I'm gonna take her for a walk," I heard Tom walk over to the table where Haz was sitting. No need to look at him. He wasn't talking to me. "Would you fancy a walk Leena?" Apparently he is. I look at him trying to stifle my shocked expression. Anna looked at me surprised, but there was a hint of a smirk on her face. I don't know if it was amusement at my discomfort or a sly hope that Tom and I could still work things out, but I don't appreciate either.