Ruination

7. Shattered Pride

-Numbness is the cry of some ruined dreams-

Sila

Some people have to work hard for morsels, while some are destined for wealth. I had learned that my smiles weren't meant to be offered. I had to work for them, fight for them and endure that many around me did enjoy smiles offered free of cost. 

The throw of money, the ease...it wasn't until mud water was thrown over my uniform by a speeding Ferrari that I learned that dignity, respect and wealth were expensive deals. I had lost them all while searching for love. My pride in my charm, that may be thought of being loved, they were my doom. Yet, today was another day. 

Down, low yet willing myself to act strong, the cold stone weighed on my heart, as I entered my workplace again, the noise inside me screaming a lonely cry, wishing to unleash...yet that noise was my peace. There was nothing I could do. I had to scream to the hollows of the darkness residing inside me and pretend that I was being listened to.

Maryam had an early shift in the day. I had been given some relaxation because of my health, but it was time to get serious. My workload, today, included no visits to the HR department. Stepping inside the building, I heaved a sigh. The shame of my uniform...it screamed that Eliyas had won. And I was just here to show that I had accepted that and was willing to move on. 

Dreams of marriage...to be loved...to be adored...

The reality of emotions is that sometimes they scare their selves. Sometimes, our dreams are so big, and we are so eagerly looking forward to living out our fantasies, that we break our hearts. I did it. I broke my heart by craving a fantasy that was just full of lies. 

Bitter and weighed by the status showcased in my uniform, I lowered my head towards the ground and began preparing myself for a brand new day. The whispers, silence...they were all biting with the anxiety that, perhaps, my yesterday's show-of-weakness was being gossiped about. However, to blank it out was my solace of the day. 

Just black it all out...

Memories did try to resurface. The haunting sensation when he had abandoned me...that shock...that pain...it almost did bring tears to my eyes. Yet, I would will myself not to go there. No more. My future depended on my will and the counselling of my soul that it was going to be okay. 

Eliyas...I was optimistic about the fact that I could ignore and avoid him here. Just a few more mute encounters, and then his chapter would close, and Maryam and I would manage to shift towards enjoying the real perks of city life. The frustration that he was already enjoying the city life while I had to work for it was immense...but I just had to gulp in that bitterness if I needed to move on. 

The anger, the budding frustration and pain...I had to gulp it all down if I needed to stand up. 

With my uniform shaming my dignity, I began taking firm steps towards the staff room. The busy life of the business workers was as per the routine. Nothing had shifted or even turned, while my whole world had greyed with newfound caution. I had to stay silent to the scream inside of me.

Suppressing the voice would be my solace.  

Blanking my emotions into a monotone, I headed into the staff room and felt my stance tighten at the sight of Madam Zaina sitting on the brown couch and chewing on some tea leaves. Her gaze reached mine in a rather patronizing manner. 

"You feeling better today?" There was no warmth, just an experienced person judging a newbie for apparently slacking off at work. 

"Yeah..." I had to breathe, shifting my gaze towards the floor in awkwardness.