Ruination

9. Slaps of Frustration

-Our monsters were crazy for each other-

Sila

I cried on Maryam's shoulder. One humiliation, one blow...and I cried for hours on the woman's shoulder who understood my pain. That night in our room had been so nauseously suffocating. We had to hide our devastated cries while our roommates slept with dirty pillows that were covering their heads. Both Maryam and I had decided to sit and just cry into our own palms. 

It was those exhausting moments when hearts decided to finally overflow. 

The sad shade of the moonlight had fallen on the floor of our room and engulfed us in a sorrowful manner. For hours, we had just cried silently, in a broken manner. We were two women bonded by our pain. Maryam understood it. 

The faint fumes of the dirty smell of our motel aggravated our pain. The depressing situation reminded us of our losses, and we cried...until the rays of the poetic moonlight started vaporizing. It was then the calm came and shoulders felt light. 

"We can do this," Maryam spoke, both of us staring out the window. There were just poverty and hard work outside. We were prisoners of our choices. 

"I know." I felt...empty yet, strangely, better. 

Sometimes, we just need someone to cry with us.  

The smell of Gulam-ka-Arq (rose water) was strong in the air. Our roommates loved spraying that water in the room. They loved greasy food, using natural herbs and crushing their own spices. There were from villages where a manual and simple way of life was preferred. Their dialect reminded me of home. There used to be helpers at my home that loved spraying rose water everywhere. I used to smile at their antics. Now...there was just sad nostalgia. 

"You made a mistake. See him as a wrong choice and just ignore him. He is not worth your tears. Monsters like him never are. Let him live this life with a silver smile. This is just temporary. Everyone dies. He can't escape that."

"I-I know. B-But it is tough," I sighed, tone heavily, as I looked down at my fidgeting fingers. "That moment when he had so arrogantly stood before me and watched me sitting on the ground, wiping his mess...it was humiliating. He did so much. And I h-hate how he was gloating his victory. He was flaunting his power while treating me as just a speck under his feet."

"He was rubbing it in my face how he had made a complete fool out of me, and there was nothing I could do. That helpless, low and inferior feeling, I hate it so much. I hate how I allowed that monster to marry me. H-He is so arrogant, and I acted like such a desperate girl for him. He must see me as the most naive prey. I can't believe how much of a fool I made out of myself."

"Slam that loser with a divorce! Immediately!" Maryam fumed, getting caught up in the intensity of my words. 

My rant halted immediately. 

Divorce...

My chances of heading back home...breaking ties...there would be permanence in that. How would I ever be able to earn my way back if I lost the status that I had rebelled for? People are merciless. The destruction of my future...it would gain another title. I didn't want to snap into that version of reality. I didn't want to face it. My dreams, everything...I didn't want to face that hardcore reality of how badly damaged that fantasy was now. 

A path of destruction...ruination...all roses had wilted away...

I didn't want to face the real picture of Eliyas's cruelty. There was still an edge of denial, some grip, I didn't want to space the heart-wrenching bit of reality locked away in my heart.