Manon's Child

Part 69

I know I should sleep but I can't. The Thirteen's faces crowd my mind, drowning out all my other thoughts. Their faces are calm but that just makes this worse. How could I replace them like that? How could I have- have forgotten them like I did? They mean the world to me - how am I moving on this fast?

I am so guilty, lying in bed as silent tears stream down my face. I miss them so much, and the weight that has lessened while I've been busy comes back as a crashing force, multiplied by the loss of Dorian.

I think - I think this is worse than when I thought he was gonna die. How is this worse? How is it all going so wrong?

I am horrible. I do not deserve to be loved, not by Dorian or anyone else. I should be mourning my friends, not replacing them. Yet here I am.

I guess this answers what I should do with the witchlings. Dorian can have them. He'll die sooner than me, anyway. Adarlan will need heirs. I have 400 or more years left to live, left to have more heirs for the Witch Kingdom. 

The thought of giving up the witchlings is killing me even more, but it has to be done. I let out a sob - and I can't stop. I miss my witchlings, I miss Dorian, I miss my friends.

I thought I was alone before, but I was wrong.

This  is what it feels like to be alone.

*****************

Petrah and Bronwen arrive later that evening. I haven't moved from my bed, and I suppose that eventually, when I didn't come down to greet them, a guard brought them up here. I don't know, and I don't particularly care.

"Manon?" The two of them are standing in the doorway. I turn my head to look at them but say nothing. 

"Are you crying?"

I'm not, but I was. It's probably still evident on my face. "What."

They come further into the room. "Are you ok?"

I say nothing. I look at the ceiling. One of the witchlings kicks, but I don't move.

"Manon?" Bronwen asks. "You're scaring us."

"I don't care."

"What happened?"

"Just leave."

"No way," Bronwen says. "Not until you at least tell us why you summoned us here."

 I stay silent. I don't know what to say. So what if there are witches in the Ferian Gap? So what if they tried to kill Dor -

No.

No. So what? I love him. Even if we can never be together. They will pay.

I look to the two of them, standing next to me. "I called you my seconds," I say quietly. They share a confused glance. "I called you my seconds. But you're not. Asterin is."

Suddenly, understanding lights in their eyes. They sit tentatively on the side of the bed, waiting for me to snap at them to get off. "But, Manon -"

I hold up my hand. "No. I called you my seconds, but Asterin was - is my second, and Vesta my third." I haven't put my hand down, so they don't say anything. "I - I wasn't thinking about them," I whisper. "I was so busy, I'm having witchlings, and I - I feel so guilty."

"Why?" Bronwen asks gently. "You're moving on, Manon. That's a good thing!"

"No it isn't! This didn't even happen a year ago! How - how can I 'get over them' knowing what they sacrificed for me? I - I can't forget about them!"

"Moving on is not the same as forgetting," Petrah says. "And no one said you had to 'get over them'. I still think of my first wyvern. I know it's not the same." 

I say nothing.

"I didn't know any of them well," Bronwen says, "But they sacrificed themselves to save you. They would want you to move on. They wouldn't want their deaths to hold you back."

"How will I ever get over this pain?" I whisper. 

Neither of them have an answer to that. Neither of them have ever lost their whole coven, all at once.

"Also." I say. "Dorian and I ... we decided that this - that our relationship will no longer work, given the circumstances. And I've decided to give him the twins after birth."

"What?!" 

"It's the best - "

"Absolutely not!" Petrah looks like she wants to slap me. "You cannot give up the heirs to our kingdom!"

"I can make more. I'll live far longer. Dorian -"

"If you're actually not marrying each other, he'll have to find another wife. She can pump out some little humans for him," Bronwen says. 

"And you have no idea if you'll even get pregnant again. Witches aren't fertile like humans," Petrah says. "And what if you die in childbirth? What if something happens to you? You're just going to leave us heirless?" 

"I can -"

"No, you can't. We are your High Witches and we are telling you this is a stupid idea."

"Manon, you have more right to these children than he does," Petrah says gently. "Especially if he's the one who said you shouldn't marry. All he did was put his dick in you. You are the one who has to carry the witchlings, you're the one who has to give birth - and you are the one who'll have to look after them when they're born. So don't say you're going to just give them up! That is ridiculous!"

"And," Bronwen continues, "They'll be witchlings! The humans will never accept them as their leaders. And when Dorian gets married, has another heir, they're the one that will take over. Your children, out heirs, will be cast out. They're humans - that's what they do."

"You're right," I say, and I mean it. What came over me? "You are right, of course. I'll tell the King of Adarlan I will be keeping my heirs."

"Thank you," Bronwen says. She visibly relaxes. 

We sit in silence for a while, my thoughts calming down. 

Eventually Petrah asks, "So why did you call us down here?"

At that, I finally manage to sit up. "I have a plan."

-----------------------------

HI peoples, 

i have to say i hate the majority of this part. Maybe it's because i feel like manon is so out of character or maybe it's because i know what's coming next, i just.... don't really like it. 

amywayyyyyy, i am FINALLY out of isolation but I accidently slept in this morning and was 20 minutes late to my 30 minutes piano lesson so that was fun

ummmm trying to think of anything else to say but there isn't anything

OH WAIT yeah there is. i'll probably update another chapter of this later on today, maybe in the evening and then another couple of parts tomorrow probably, either that or one day each

and also just because the other part is published/about to be published, please don't stop commenting i love it it's so nice to see people engaging with my book it honestly makes me so happy!!!

lol i guess there was more to say

stay safe :)