The Forbidden Fantasy

Chapter 14

I LOVED HIM.

I had allowed him his secrets, and took what he gave with a greed that shocked my with its intensity. But he never had to know. He never had to glimpse how deeply I felt for him, or discover the secret I had always suspected and finally admitted to myself. I loved him.

Completely. Every part of him, good and bad, my friend and lover and partner and rival. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him, giving him everything, even though now I knew he didn't want my in his life. I crammed the knowledge to a secret place inside. Then realized I'd take whatever he gave, even though it would never be enough for me.

It shook me to my core.

My heart further shattered at the realization that I did not know what to do. I never had thought that I would fall in love with him. But each day he pieced together a piece of my broken heart, that piece had started to belong to him.

Tears streamed down my face as the memory of all the beautiful moments that had occurred between us. I remembered how delicious his home cooked meals. I remembered the way he held me in his strong arms when I had nightmares, both to console me and to further prevent them from my dreams.

What had happened to him?

Why did he hide his real self?

Why did he lie to me?

But even if all of this was a façade, why did he look so hurt and broken when I accused him of trying to kill me?

All of this burnt my brain. I could not understand what was happening around me. my mind was fixed upon what I had read in the Journal, my entire body shook as I remembered the entries.

'I watched Goyle practice the Dark Lord's new curse on a mud blood's body. The spell was created to rip the skin and muscle off their body to the other side. To my opposite, I saw Bellatrix using the Glacis curse on the couple's child. The room was filled with the cries of the child as I pleaded for my life. My mind swelled in pure satisfaction at the thought of my freezing to death. My happiness intensified x10 when I saw Pettigrew push pieces of red hot coal into the husband's mouth. He would be killed, cooked alive from the inside out.'

My eyes streamed with tears again. How could he cheat me like this? I loved him for Merlin's sake. He had made me fall in love with him, and had smoothly broken my fragile heart, without even trying. The first page was torture to anyone who read it.

'I witnessed the torture of the mud bloods today. Crabbe was really ruthless with them. I watched with happiness and contentment as he slashed every inch of exposed skin of that ginger fool, who told us his name was Jake. What a fool? Did he actually think we would believe him if he says that he owned his wand?'

My heart further tightened at the memory. How could a person who loved his brother and told me that he only joined the dark side to get revenge do this? Watching was one thing, but writing on a journal and deriving happiness from it like a sadist was plainly manic.

I heard a knock on the Portrait door as the clock on the mantle stuck one, but I made no move to actually open it. Neville walked down the stairs with his books in his hand and heard the knock. He opened the Portrait hole and it revealed a shock of silver hair that I knew very well. With an agility with a seven month pregnant never possessed, I took off from the couch to take refuge in their master bedroom.

I begged to Neville with my eyes not to tell Malfoy that I was here. I could hear their conversation. Malfoy's voice was one of forced calm, like he was boiling inside and did not want to show it to anyone. What he was angry for, remained a mystery? It was not he loved me. His acting was good, made me believe and love him instead of hating his guts. So that was an obvious fact.