Dear Neveah,

25. Dear Neveah

Hey Logan,

I feel like crap. I'm suffocated at the fact that all the things I feared is coming true and I have nothing I can do about it. Physically, my heart aches. It feels like my heart is going to explode and I'll just lose it and finally, there would be nothing left of me. No memory, no good thought about me because I'm nothing but a scumbag in deed.

Sometimes I feel like smoking packets of cigarettes till my lungs fail just so I'll get all this over with. I've tried but no matter how hard I tried, it was never enough. Other times, I feel I can handle it. I feel I can change everything. I feel I can make it work and I'd finally be happy, but who was I kidding? It sucked me up, knocked the sense out of me and I can barely tell my right from my left now. You made me feel good about myself but I couldn't do anything for you and it haunts me every time I think about it.

He did it again and I don't know if I should still keep fighting this. Every time I act like it's fine, I remember the letter and I'm lost in myself again. I remember the letter and I feel like jumping off a cliff because no matter what would happen, it would come true anyway.

Remember when mum lost her job and we couldn't raise money for her treatment? That's the only secret dad made me keep from you and it was what happened that night. It changed our lives forever and when I think about it, I don't know if it was the right or wrong thing. I don't know if it was right for dad to gamble in hopes of winning a lot of money for mum's treatment and be the best loving husband or the hero dad or it was wrong for him to try because of the consequences of his loss got every one of you shot. Would it have made any difference if I told you about that bet?

Ten years ago, we were very little by then and dad's publishing company was barely doing well. We were struggling to raise money for her treatment so much that dad met some friends. They introduced him to a wealthy man who owned a bar where they gambled. Convinced him to shoot his shot and if he wins a fortune, mum will be okay because she'd get her treatment and we could buy a much bigger house so you could have a small basketball court inside. Dad loved the idea because we would be happy. He put us above himself and agreed to gamble.

I overheard the conversation and even though I was still very underage, I couldn't tell you or mum because I feared you were going to judge him for trying. Judge him for not doing enough for us. Judge him for not having what we needed. Judge him because he's a screw up at his responsibilities. I couldn't tell you anything and I don't know if I regret not telling you. I told peter. The high school kid who lived behind our house and he followed dad to the bar.

I heard dad won a few times and the more he won, the more he played because he hadn't gathered enough money and they tricked him into playing with the boss. He offered the hugest sum of money we'd ever heard off and it could cover all of mum's treatment, buy a house and refurnish the publishing company. Dad had nothing huge to counter with so he used the company. It was small but no matter what, it held some worth.

He thought he'd win but he lost. That was how the game was played. I never blamed him for trying but it got you and mum shot because he refused to surrender the company to Sebastian. He said he was going to make dad pay in different ways. That sentence changed our lives forever.

A week after that, I found a letter at our doorstep with a signature from Sebastian telling dad to watch out. Dad told me to keep the secret and apologized but it was never enough because mum was shot that night. The police did nothing much about the case because allegedly, we had no evidence. Dad never forgave himself.

Five years later, right at our doorstep, the same letter was there. I found dad reading it in the bathroom. That was the first time I saw him cry. He was terrified and I cried that night too. It could've been me or dad but no, it was you. There was a robbery that night at the supermarket and there were gunshots, you left in a body bag and the moment we got there, we knew it was staged. I'm sorry.

We could've sold the company or the house to relocate it it wasn't possible because dad believed what was his is what is his. He didn't want to move out of this town because this is where he had all his memorable days. The painful days, the heartbreaking days and the joyful days. He couldn't leave it alone.

Now, she's lying in the hospital and her influential parents are paying the doctors to save her life. It was all because of me she got shot. I never wanted her to get involved in anything concerning me and now, everything has happened again. I tried to push her away no matter how much we were drawn to each other by fate. This was why I didn't reveal my identity to her when I found out it was her. It's all my fault but why can't he take me instead? Dad is working so hard at the company and it's getting better now but Sebastian doesn't want to let go.

I forgave dad the second things took a different turn and I hope you forgive him too. I'm shining with pride for him over the step he took to better our life and now that things didn't go as planned, I won't leave him standing alone. Please forgive him and forgive me for not being able to do anything about it.

I heard her influential parents will fly out of the country to continue their business because she's getting better and rumour has it that her parents fought there at the hospital nonstop so they'll both leave. I wish I'm there for her now. To hold her and let her know what she means to me. To tell her everything is okay and she's loved. I can't forgive myself for putting her life on the line. I can't.

Okay, okay so this is what happened and why Lucas is closed off because he doesn't want anyone's life to mix up with the hatred and pain looming in his life. I feel sorry for him tho because he's my dearest of course. I hope you liked it. I'm eager to hear what you think and would be grateful for your votes on the chapter.