Dear Neveah,

08. Dear Neveah

Dear Neveah,

Are some things simply too much to ask for? Or we're not worth little things we look forward to. Thinking about it, I feel love is not for everyone,  especially people like me. What is it about when people say love is the most beautiful thing? What is the beauty in it? When even your birth parents don't care about you.

No one understands how I feel because I always act like I don't care but deep down it kills me. It seriously kills every part of me and today, I'm tired of holding my walls up every single day.

How much I always wanted to be you.  Have a family that loves you, helping your family out in the small shop, friends and kind neighbours, little sisters who look up to you, babysitting them and watching them play. Yet you took your own life. What else were you after that you didn't have?

You have excellent grades, teachers and students love you, you have popular friends and you volunteer at the shelter down town. What else did you yearn for?

What do I have, zero families, zero friends, zero best friends, zero neighbours, zero everything. Zero. Zilch. Nada. Yet I chose to live. No matter how much I wish I could hate you, I never can because you're the only person I've ever loved in my life.

Yet you disappointed me, knowing you were the only one I had. Did you know how much hearing the news crushed me? This is the most selfish thing you've done and I don't blame you. If you loved me you'd have considered hurting me before deciding to take your own life.

It's one in the morning, an hour exactly after my birthday. Cool right? I recall every single birthday you've had since we became friends, Neveah. You always had a party in school and at home. Your mum will close down the shop to have a big party for you. What about me?

I sit in my room alone and cry my hurt away on my birthday. Every single birthday I had was always ended with a sob story.

You made sure to give me a present and made your mum give me a box full of a dozen different cupcakes. You make your sisters draw me pictures and design me a card. Was that your way of reminding me I have no one to care about me or even think of loving me? Then you won because I believed in all the love you showed me.

It's yet another birthday and not even a single text, call, wish from anybody. Not even my birth parents. All the sorrow party you held for me has all ended after you. I guess I don't deserve love so I'll suck it in and be strong. It is what I've been at for lots of years.

Thankfully, mother nature loves me enough to leave me a companion. Rain. It began raining at dawn and I skipped school, after all, my parents wouldn't care if I passed or not. All the times where I studied hard so my parents will be proud of me didn't mean anything, will it now?

A cheesy box of pizza, comedy series and my fluffy morning coat helped even though I barely focused on the TV.

As days pass, I don't see my use in your house anymore, Peyton is only going to be reminded of her pain and start to cry. Is it any good?

She still sent her box of cupcakes to my doorstep and a lot of birthday cards, an unwrapped present from her and drawings from the girls.

Every time I open my birthday presents from your family, you're always there but now, I have to do all that alone. It's still untouched with some parts of me wishing you'll burst through my doors with that million-dollar smile on your face, running towards me to give me a bone-crushing hug and cry for two hours out of excitement before opening the boxes.

By now, my dad is out there, celebrating with his new family, even if he has any, totally forgetting today is his daughter's birthday.

Mum likes to chase the world. Likes to find every crevice and holes in every part of the world, roaming around countries and taking first-class flights to travel on her endless trips. Did she also find a guy who also likes to travel the world?

Or she's at a fancy restaurant on an expensive date, seeing she has eyes for really expensive things, after all, they match her rich taste and heavy bank accounts.

Leaving me on my own. How much do phone calls cost these days, that she couldn't leave a voicemail or even a card by mail? I just don't deserve anything good. I know you regret your decision now but it's too late, isn't it?

You can't just come back, after all, it's not even possible so you know, send someone to come fill your gap if you'll be okay with it. You're an angel after death, right? I heard that somewhere so you can be my angel. If you don't mind, I want to be reminded of how it feels like to be loved and wanted.

Yours ever,
Alli.