The Bookworm

Chapter 12 (edited)

Amara

The next morning I couldn't find peace or settle in my body. I felt strange and foreign like something had taken over me.

I avoided him for the whole day, staying most of the time in the classroom or the library, hiding away.

I was angry. So angry, but if I was being perfectly honest with myself, I was above all else embarrassed. Very embarrassed. I didn't know If I could look at him, meet his gaze, without thinking about touching myself and getting off on him, drenching my fingers again. The worst thing of all was that I wasn't completely satisfied. No. Just knowing about how good it felt, how aroused I had gotten, I could practically feel more wetness being released from my core as if the memory had somehow branded on my body, and there was nothing I could do other than touch myself again, and again, and again. Get off on him again, roaring with wanting before getting drunk with temporary relief.

I didn't recognize myself. This wasn't like me. I didn't touch myself to anyone, and especially to people that had made my life difficult, complicated, and incredibly confusing. And the few times I had touched myself were to characters out fictional books, my book boyfriends as Charlotte sometimes called them.

Yes, I read some erotic novels out of curiosity and the same curiosity led me to touch myself. It had been alright, I'd thought I had come, but it hadn't been anything like this... I was never turned on to the point of aching all over with need.

I was messed up. This was messed up, my head wasn't right, and I didn't know how to fix it. I desperately wanted to go back to just hating him, wanting him far away, but I didn't know if that was possible anymore.

But maybe... maybe I just needed to feel a connection. Maybe, the need I felt wasn't for him, but for someone, anyone. Maybe going on a date, kissing, exploring my body with someone else was all there was to this. The more I thought about it, the more it made sense, and sense was something I wanted to grip on.

Yes... I didn't want him. I was just old enough to want someone.

"Char?" I said the next day during our break. We were sitting on the steps at the back of the school and out of sight, while she was snacking on a chocolate bar.

"Yes?"

"I was wondering," I began awkwardly. "Well, maybe we could... I mean you and I go out sometime."

She turned to me with raised eyebrows.

"Are you asking me out?"

I laughed at my awkwardness. It did sound like that, I was so nervous and I hadn't thought ahead. I probably should've rehearsed first what I was going to say because I just blurted out nonsense.

"Char-"

"No, seriously. If that's the case, then I've thought about it, too. If I was a lesbian, you'd totally be my type." She sighed. "Alas, I'm not. Therefore, I must suffer the consequences of my nature. Do you know how many idiotic males have made me wish I was gay?" She said taking a large bite from her bar.

I smiled. I loved this girl.

"Well, maybe I want to suffer some of the consequences too, provided I get to enjoy some of the benefits."

This time, she turned to me fully with eyebrows raised to their capacity. She looked as if she lost her ability to swallow as she spoke absentmindedly with her mouth full.

"Are you saying what I think you're saying?"

I nodded. Absolutely. I was ready to date.

"Fuck, yes!" She told herself more than me. "Do you know how long I have been waiting for this moment?" As soon as she asked, she raised her hand to stop any words from forming in my mouth. "Don't answer, you're only going to ruin this for me." She set her snack aside, but when she looked at me again she was serious. "Can I ask who you're thinking of dating?"

That was a good question. But to be honest, I think we both knew who I wanted to date. Marcus. I wanted to hold his hand, go for long walks, kiss him, the whole thing when the time was right.

Marcus was my type, a very sweet guy and I was hoping he wanted to date me, too. If not, I'd be disappointed but I'd be open to meeting other people, too. I knew I wasn't the prettiest girl, but I knew I wasn't terrible looking either. I'm sure some guys didn't mind glasses, maybe some even liked them. And my hair, well, pulled back was manageable.

Plus, if someone didn't want to date me because I looked or didn't look a certain way, then they weren't for me. I wanted someone to date me for me, no matter what that entailed. I wanted someone that would be proud to present as their girlfriend or their date. I wanted to be touched, and touch them with the lights on. Feeling beautiful in a relationship wasn't up for discussion.

"If it was up to me?"

"Yes, up to you."

"Marcus."

She smiled happily, and then her smile turned into a devilish smirk.

"Wasn't I right about blowing some geeky steam off?"

I couldn't help it, I laughed and pushed her shoulder gently to make her stop, but she was right. Blowing some geeky steam off was definitely in my plans that was exactly what I needed to put the world right.