The Bookworm

Chapter 14 (edited)

Noah

Jealousy is a poisonous thing. Even though I hadn't earned the right to feel it, it stung just the same.

For the past week, I had to step out of the way and watch as she 'hung out' with her little friend. The guy that used to moon over her and followed her around like a lost puppy. The guy that used to get overly excited under the table at lunchtime all these years ago, the guy that I should've squeezed to death when I had the chance to. Maybe a lifetime in prison would've been less torturous than watching them spending time together, smiling, laughing with each other, bond in front of my very fucking eyes.

It hurt. It hurt so fucking much, but I wasn't sure what I had been expecting. Maybe a part of me had been hoping things could change, and the past could be forgotten, but in reality? I should've known better.

"Maybe you want to slow down on the beers," Matt told me as I opened my third one. I wasn't even halfway through them.

Bond... I was permanently bonded with her, but she didn't seem to care or even notice me. She didn't need, long, or want me. I doubt she wanted to do anything with me at all. Even the glares she had been sending my way once in a while, belonged in the past. Who would've thought I'd miss them? I was so used to people eye-fucking me, objectifying me because I looked a certain way, but she didn't even care about me in that way, either.

She'd never have me, would she?

A scary thought passed through my head... Say she magically gave me a chance, what could I offer her, other than my looks?

I wasn't smart. Not like the people she hung out with, and certainly not like her. I didn't have a bright future ahead of me as she did, and working at construction was all the work I knew how and was planning to ever do. I didn't even have a good relationship with my parents, not really. Not when they gave up on me when they realized I didn't have much potential. So I wasn't very close with my family, other than my grandmother, and I had very few friends. So, not much of social life, either. I realized I had nothing to offer her other than myself.

Was I enough?

"Hey, hey." Matt snapped me out of my thoughts. "Maybe we should lay off drinking for tonight." He said and placed his drink down at the little table in front of us as I downed the last gulp of mine.

The numbing awareness in my chest was all the answer I needed.

No. No, I wasn't.

Deep down she must've known that, too, because she never saw me. She couldn't live with me in the middle of nowhere, and I very much doubted she'd want me with her wherever she ended up being. The fact was, she had a future. I'd be just dead weight for her.

"You're not okay. What's going on, man?"

I shook my head, but I quit drinking. I didn't want to get pissed off my face in front of him, though drinking was all I wanted to do until I drowned that part of me that wouldn't stop burning for her.

All this time, I had been selfish... I had been lying to myself, too. Toying with the idea she'd be the one to see me for me and want me for who I was. But I never considered that who I was, wouldn't be as much as I had originally thought.

I knew what I had to do. I just didn't know how, I was impulsive and possessive by nature. Could I just let her go?

"You broke up with Emily. Why?"

Matt gave me a long look before sighing and running his fingers through his hair.

"I loved her. I swear I did. She's a sweet, kind girl, but... she isn't mine. We had been together for three years, but I didn't love her the way I should. The way she loved me. I wasn't in love with her if you know what I mean. It was... fun. But I didn't feel..."

I nodded my understanding when I saw him struggling for words. He wasn't consumed. Obsessed. Mad and sick with love. He didn't feel like they belonged together. Like he could spend the rest of his life with her. Looking at her, smelling her scent on him, on his pillow, on their bedsheets. He didn't feel like he could be touching her forever, and forever wouldn't be enough even then. Because they weren't made for each other, and there was always going to be something missing.

"But she did. She asked me if I would leave her if I ever found my soulmate... What was I supposed to say, Noah? I didn't want to lie. I hate fucking lying." He rubbed his temples roughly before he continued. "I promised her honesty from day one, and I have kept that promise no matter how bad it felt admitting the truth." He took a breath in and reached for his beer again, taking a long swig. "I hurt her, you know? That's what kills me. I wish I didn't have the power to hurt her because she didn't have the power to hurt me. These things should be mutual."

Isn't it, though, how it usually is? Someone always wants the other more, cares more, longs more, needs, loves more. It's not fair, but this is life.

"You did the right thing, Matt." I patted his shoulder, hoping he knew I was right there for him.

Somehow, I would do the right thing, too, even if it killed me.

If I didn't need the damned money, I'd quit my fucking job. I'd leave her alone and disappear for a bit, lick my wounds in private and let her continue with her life. But, since every God-forsaken thing I ever did in my life hurt like hell, I had to stay there and suffer. Even though I didn't know how I'd deal if they became a couple. Kiss, touch, fuck. I didn't know if I could pretend I wasn't dying watching them bloom, while I was losing the only thing I ever wanted just for me in the process.

Suspicion was written all over Matt's face as his attention zeroed on me.

"Is there something going on that I should know?" He asked, regarding me closely, with his characteristic thoughtfulness. And I glanced at the ceiling wanting to escape his gaze, but most of all his question, although I knew I couldn't.

"No."

She wouldn't even look at me. Finding her didn't mean I got to keep her.

"You sure? You've been... You haven't been yourself, Noah. What's going on, buddy? Maybe I can help you."

He couldn't help. And knowing that he might feel sorry for me each time we were to hang out was enough to keep my mouth shut, keep everything to myself. I couldn't burden him with his, and I wanted to forget, not be reminded over and over again of what I couldn't have.

She was never meant to be mine.

Even if all of me was meant to be hers.