The Bookworm

Chapter 15 (edited)

Amara

I had a clear view of him from where I was sitting.

Noah was working outside, alongside a co-worker that seemed to be chatting to him, but it didn't look like he paid much attention. Sweat made his arms glow in the sun as he worked with focus and precision, arms and thighs flexing as he picked up heavy items.

The view was... intriguing. One problem, though. He didn't seem to notice me any more than he would notice a ghost. I thought I'd be relieved when that day arrived, free of his fixation. And that would've been true if the interest he lost hadn't found me.

I could fight, I had fought against it, but nothing came of it. Something had shifted that day in his house, right before I left when he touched me, and no matter how much I ignored or belittled it, it was still there, pulsing underneath a faint longing I couldn't deny was there anymore.

The jerk I despised became this interesting man I wanted to know more of.

Instead of tearing myself apart for the things I told myself I should or shouldn't feel, I just had... let go. Without pressuring or driving myself crazy with questions I couldn't answer yet.

Some things didn't make sense, I knew that much, but I wouldn't punish myself for it... Even if I was uncomfortably wet watching him work out there. This newfound yearning mixed with arousal made me oddly wishful. I probably shouldn't. I was pretty sure having these ideas in my head would screw me over somehow, but that wasn't a thing I was giving myself grief over.

For days, but especially nights, I had been wondering; Was there any truth in Char's words, about him... wanting me? The more I thought about it, the more sense it made, but it wouldn't be the first time I misjudged a situation and made a mistake where these sorts of things were concerned. These kinds of subjects were so out of my depth, it wasn't even funny.

What if I approached him but was turned down? I never considered myself a girl to make the first move, but then again, I never thought I'd feel this way either. And whether I liked it or not, I didn't believe he had a filter. I doubted he had a polite bone in his body. And as stupid or petty as it was, my pride was important to me. I wouldn't survive getting rejected by him.

That didn't mean I couldn't still ask him, did it? I could always ask for an explanation. Marcus was kind enough to give one to me. Was it too much to expect the same courtesy from him?

"I'm afraid for your eye-sight," Char whispered under her breath so Marcus and his company wouldn't hear. "If he was a TV, you'd be crossed-eyed by now."

A humorless smile crept on my lips. I would have laughed at her analogy if it wasn't true.

Sighing, I turned away from him. I was already drawing a little too much attention to myself with the way I was acting.

"Aren't you going to eat?" Char mused. "In a few minutes lunch break will be over, and you'll have an empty stomach."

I had some breakfast in the morning, but the truth was, I wasn't too eager to eat anything lately. I had been going through a roller coaster of emotions, and my sleep, appetite, and mood were in for the ride as well. There was nothing I could really do about it.

"I'm not hungry."

"For food?"

I turned to see her giving me a pointed look.

"Char."

"Who are you bullshitting, honey? I know you, and this isn't like you." She exhaled long, relaxing her back onto the chair, "There isn't any shame to admit that you like him, you know. Hell, I like him. Look at his muscles. Even through his baggy shirt, you can still see his back, arms, damn, even his strong thighs in those jeans. He's a total beefcake. Half of our class has noticed, too. And the other unfortunate half happens to be straight males, so they can't appreciate what's there."

She gave me a lopsided smile, throwing her hands up. "So, welcome to the club! The fortunate one that is."

He could have anyone he wanted, couldn't he? Suddenly the idea of me being interesting in him made me feel idiotic. I never said I would be with him or even touch him, sometimes fantasies remained fantasies for a good reason. But I couldn't say the idea of being inadequate didn't wound me. It was a harsh reality. Guys like him usually didn't go for girls like me. It never bothered me before because I believed I had a type, but I realized types were a general wash of an abstract idea. No guarantees could apply. And it was a mistake to entertain thoughts like this, even if the dreams I had while sleeping were abnormally good.

"He's not a piece of meat, Char," I almost snapped at her. "It's degrading to belong to such a club. So no, thank you, but no."

Her eyes widened, and surprised laughter escaped from her throat. Her palm came up to her mouth to cover the intensity.

"Can't fucking believe it. You're jealous!"

"I'm what?"

"Jealous, sweetpea. Green, envious. How else can I explain it to you?"

No. That wasn't true. The impatient anger I felt wasn't jealousy.

"That's ridiculous, Char. I don't even know him that well."

"I have to call bullshit, again. Do you honestly think I don't know you haven't told me everything? There's so much more than what you've told me, and the longing you're watching him with? It's not just 'I want to see what you look like underneath'" She flipped her hair over her shoulder, amused and satisfied with her discovery. "Admit it, you like like him, or at least you start to."

I massaged my temples slowly to avoid being overwhelmed.

"It's not so simple."

"Why? Do you still hold a grudge? Or are you embarrassed because you think he doesn't feel the same?"

As exposing and uncomfortable it was to have this conversation, it felt good to finally have it. Maybe Char could understand, and advise me. I needed to know how to handle all this, get a grip, because running around circles in my head was doing nothing but giving me headaches.

"I... don't know what I feel exactly. It's complicated, Char. It's not about holding a grudge against him, even though not all is forgotten. But I can't say, a big part of me isn't confused and unsettled to want someone that has been... an ass to me. It's not normal to want someone that has hurt you in the past. I don't want to be one of those people that can't help themselves."

"Are you? One of those people?"

Was I? I'll admit, I had been thinking about him non-stop. Char would say obsessively, but that didn't mean that I would let myself make a decision based on just what I wanted. There were other factors to take under consideration, too.

"I hope not," I answered truthfully. "But please don't ask anything else because, genuinely, the answer to all is I don't know."

"How about you clarify this, then?" She stressed with zeal. "I know I said this man wasn't meant for the beginner's course, but if you're interested, then that changes things. Go and ask him, be upfront. I have a feeling he has been waiting for you to do just that."

"That's assuming he wants to talk to me. Like you said before, it's possible he doesn't notice me that way."

"I said you think he doesn't, not that I do. For crying out loud, I know a boner when I see one!"

My eyes widened, and warmth spread in my cheeks, neck, and breasts. Through the shock, I felt my core squeeze on thin air and hurt with emptiness at the thought.

"Your pupils just dilated. Want me to explain why that is, or are you ready now to have a little talk with him?"

It was hard to accept it, but she had a point. All I had to do was to go up to him and get the answers I wanted.

Decided, I turned towards the window to see him gone. He wasn't there anymore. Just as the bell rang, I stood up but did not go to class. I was ready to listen to what he had to say, and I couldn't wait a moment longer.

If he was going to be a jerk about this, then screw this and him. But I refused to spend another night turned on, confused and worried. At least, I'd know if all this frustration was worth it.

And secretly, dear God, I hoped it was.