Inside My Mind: Life After Trauma

Segment One - Depression (Part 1)

*Trigger warning, the following contains:
Talks of suicide
Suicidal thoughts
Self-harm

Major Depression Disorder(Clinical Depression)- is a significant medical condition that can affect many areas of your life. It impacts mood and behavior as well as various physical functions, such as appetite and sleep.

I was first diagnosed with Major Depression Disorder at 19 years old.

When I found out, I was shocked but relieved I knew what was wrong with me. There was a part of me that always knew something wasn't right, not that I was looking for anything bad in the first place — but after experiencing abandonment, sexual abuse, and physical abuse, you can see why, I wondered. That's not just only why I wondered another part was a big change in my moods. Ever since I was 16 years old, to be exact.

Earlier on, I was a high school sophomore balancing school, dealing with friendships and constant drama and even a few relationship problems. I thought that I could handle it all, however, the reality of the situation was I couldn't.

The truth is, I was in a bad relationship, one where I wasn't loved but used to make the other one happy. This boy didn't care about me, he cheated on me with girls around school, even flirting with a few of my friends who I am grateful told me and showed proof. He'd get mad at me if I let people touch me, even a friend, he didn't like me talking to any person of the opposite sex, and if I didn't do things, he said, he would purposely ignore me, try to make me jealous or go as far as to blocking me. Considering I had abandonment issues and he knew he played on them.

Thankfully, he never physically hurt me, but he was damn near close to with the way he was going with that whole relationship, I lost my identity because I was consumed with making him happy, even if that meant sacrificing my own happiness. I really liked this boy and I thought he liked me too, until he did all of these things to me. I felt so used and betrayed, it took me two months to gain the courage to stand up to him and break it off.

We first began dating around the early part of May 2017 and broke up by the end of August.

I was fed up with the mental and emotional damage he caused me, throughout the relationship, two months of straight torment from him and though, I found my strength to leave him it still didn't fix the damage that was now there, the hurt I felt, and the hole left in my heart.

He always made me feel like I was never enough no matter what I did and at a point, I too, believed it.

After that, I lost a part of myself and I didn't even know that I did. I was sad for weeks, everyday I came to school crying, I wasn't doing my school work and I was falling behind in classes, which was something I never did, I was always focused when it came to my schooling, howbeit, I wasn't myself during this time and so I lost focus. It got so bad I embarked on isolating myself from my friends and not even wanting to attend school, me being a young teen thinking it was just me getting over the break-up, but I wasn't seeing that this was something more than just symptoms of a break-up.

I didn't realize I had yet dealt with something traumatic. My family didn't really notice either, I went through all of this alone. I didn't share this with anyone because I just couldn't bring myself to talk. Instead, I coped in other ways — bad ways.

Whenever I felt the most sad, I'd lock myself in my room or bathroom, even a closet and I would have a sharp object or a blade and then I'd cut myself, especially on my arms and since, I would wear long-sleeve anyway as a personal preference of clothing, I knew no one would ever see them.

I never cut too deep, but I always did it enough to leave a clear mark. There would be as many as 20 to 30 slits going down each arm of mine. It didn't hurt me, I liked the feeling because I was already numb to pain, I figured at least I had a way of controlling it, even if it wasn't the correct way.

All of these things rolled over into the next three months I felt so low and worthless and it didn't stop there.

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