Inside My Mind: Life After Trauma

Segment Two - Anxiety

*Trigger warning, the follow contains:
Panic attack*

Anxiety Disorder- A mental health disorder characterized by feelings of worry, anxiety, or fear that are strong enough to interfere with one's daily activities.

My second diagnosis at 19 years old is Anxiety Disorder.

I developed anxiety from my depression — it started with the panic attacks at 16 years old and later developed into something more.

I used to get panic attacks only when I had a major depressive breakdown whenever I felt too consumed by an emotion it would trigger me into a panic mode where I feel as if my heart is racing faster than usual, my body shakes to the point where my teeth would chatter and even though I had air in my lungs it feels as if I didn't.

Prior to, I didn't handle them properly, I never knew, I was having an attack like I said previously, I was never aware of mental health so I would often make those situations worse for myself, like not trying to calm down or being completely consumed by ruminating thoughts and not focusing on something to stop them.

Thinking back on it now, I was a complete mess.

My anxiety then carried over to not being able to concentrate and when I was focused, it was on something I feared, like seeing my friends after they abandoned me or if I'd ever have people that love me and anything else I could conjure.

In addition, I experienced sudden gastrointestinal problems: every morning, my stomach would ache badly or feel as if I had to empty out my insides or they would explode. This began around 17 years old.

  My stomach problems made it difficult for me to endure school in the mornings, especially when I had to get ready for it because my stomach would hurt so bad for most of the morning before it'll subside and restart all over again the next day. Aforementioned it carried over into my early adulthood and worsened by the time I was 18 years old.

At 18, I set about to working at a clothing store, which my anxiety often triggered there. It made it difficult for me to do my job because I feared talking to people and approaching them. I also worried that I'd embarrass myself or whatever could go wrong will. You could definitely say it controlled me more than I had control over it.

Later, I developed sleeping problems. Some nights it seemed almost impossible to sleep — I’d be so tired, but my brain would be awake and thoughts would be racing — random ones at that. Other times I would sleep but awaken early or odd hours of the night.

While I share my experiences, I can see just how fast my symptoms grew and expanded in such a short amount of time and it only shows me I was worse than I knew.

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Thank you! 🤍🖤🤍