Inside My Mind: Life After Trauma

Depression (Part 3)

*Trigger Warning
The following contains:
Panic attack
Mentions of suicide*

The sound of my loud sobs disturbed my mother and sister, who I lived with at the present time. They rushed out of their rooms, panicked and worried — I couldn't even describe to them what was happening because I didn't even know but my chest felt heavy, I felt like I couldn't breathe and I kept hyperventilating.

My mother flung her arms around me and comforted me while I cried in her arms, also trying to catch my breath in the process. By now, I had forgotten about being on the phone with my friend but nonetheless he remained there until I was calm and made sure I was okay. My sister stood there in shock, unsure of what to do but since Mom had it under control she just went back to her room.

What was supposed to be a happy New Year's for me was the worst.

After that night, I wasn't the same, I felt empty and soulless almost. I slept all day, I barely ate, and I would cry or be so sad there were even times where I have felt so emotional that I couldn't even make sense of what I was feeling. I felt like life was pointless, and that I was. I felt like I didn't deserve to be alive because I had lost all my best friends in one night - people who I never thought would have betrayed me, people I looked to as family.

My trust was broken yet again, from the time I was 4 years old to being 16 years old, people I thought loved me hurt me in the worst ways possible.

Suffering from previous abandonment from my father traumatized me, and my friends, leaving me only worsened it.

Memories of them flashed into my mind and were constantly replaying, my guy friend would check on me and do his best to support me in any way he can and it'd make me feel so much better because it would take my mind off of the pain and deep darkness I was in but when he wasn't around, I was in the worst head space.

I often started getting visions of me killing myself in the most bizarre ways. Sometimes I made plans on when I'd attempt to do it. I never acted on them because I was scared of hurting my family and I didn't think I could do it, but I felt like I didn't want to be alive any more because it was too much for me.

I remained in this depressive state for two weeks.

Still, I blindly went through these constant symptoms every day, I always felt high and low moods it could change within minutes or seconds or even last as long as a day or weeks. There were times I had these explosive rage episodes and I'd be consumed by that anger, which would cause me to be destructive physically and just completely having inappropriate angry outbursts and to whoever was around me at them moments would become a victim of my rage attack.

My symptoms only increased and  worsened over time, to where it stuck with me to my adulthood today.

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