Inside My Mind: Life After Trauma

Depression (Part 2)

Fast-forward to December, I set about to attend school a little more than before to get my grades up and pass my classes, it was cram time, since I also had exams coming up, so I did whatever I had to make sure I passed.

I wasn't back to my normal self, but I was dealing somewhat. I started slowly coming back around my friends and hanging out with them from time to time. With them, I felt human again.

These friends of mine were people I grew up with, so they were more like family to me and we've all been so close to each other for so many years, I thought nothing could mess that up, but I was wrong.

The more I was around them, the more I realized how different they were acting it was weird and honestly out of the blue. I started noticing their strange behaviors, like being distant, hardly to no conversation, sitting at different tables, excluding me from hangouts and group chats. Initially, I thought I may have done something, yet when I asked, they all acted like nothing was different, as if it was just all in my head.

I was smart, though, and I could sense when something or someone was off and how different people act, especially the ones I had history with. I shook it off, giving it the benefit of the doubt. This continued for a couple of weeks and carried on to our mid-winter break, which was a short time we spent from school to spend with family for the holidays.

At this moment I literally talked to one person and that was the guy in which I'm currently dating now but before was only a friend to me. He'd been there when my ex wasn't or my friends. He kept me afloat and probably didn't know it.

I chatted and hung out with him for mainly the duration of the break and when I wasn't with him, I was at home lounging around, since my friends weren't really treating me nice at the moment. It felt good to have someone to hang with and talk to, but of course, I was still missing the others - they were a big part of who I was and I didn't feel complete without them.

I grew tired of them being cold to me and treating me as if I wasn't apart of the friendship group, which consisted of eight other people besides me. It was mainly girls with a couple of guys. Anyway, I decided I'd confront them because I felt it wasn't fair to be treated as such without an explanation and if everything is supposed to be fine, as they said.

We were still on mid-winter break, but it was now New Year's Eve, just a few minutes before it was an official new year, I reached out to one of my best friends, she was active on Facebook and I noticed she tagged the whole group of friends, excluding me, about the New Year's and resolutions. This angered and also hurt me because I was again left out, but this was the last time I'd allow it.

I went on her post and proceeded to comment, asking why I wasn't tagged and why they all been treating me as if I wasn't their friend. It took her some time to respond, by the time she did the ball had just dropped and it was officially New Year's Day.

I come to find out the reason they all had been behaving that way was because they no longer considered me one of their friends. When she told me that I was devastated.

"Why?" That's all I could think.

Suddenly, my heart shattered into a million pieces and I let out this ear piercing scream before breaking into uncontrollable, loud sobs. My guy friend who I'd been hanging out with was on the phone with me as this went on and he was in immediate panic mode, he tried soothing me, but the pain I felt was unbearable and unfortunately it was nothing he could do but he still tried and for that I am grateful.

Now I can describe this moment as a depressive episode, but before I just impulsively acted on what I felt, and, in my mind, I wondered why is this happening right now, at the same time, also feeling disconnected from reality itself.

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