❖𝙔𝙤𝙪𝙧 𝙇𝙞𝙩𝙩𝙡𝙚 𝙏𝙪𝙩𝙤𝙧❖

🄲🄷🄰🄿🅃🄴🅁 🄽🄸🄽🄴

TRIGGER WARNING: THIS CHAPTER CONTAINS  SELF-HARM ! PLEASE READ THE AUTHORS NOTE IF YOU STRUGGLE WITH THESE ISSUES!

🧡Nick's POV🧡

I turn the key in the ignition. I start to drive, not towards my house. I'm driving to the cliffs by the ocean. It's been my favorite place for awhile. Clay showed it to me when were kids.

After awhile, I arrived. I turned off the car and stepped out. The view of the stars and moon reflecting on the ocean was gorgeous.   I felt tears roll down my cheeks. Sobs escaped my lips. I started to breakdown. I sat down on the grass. Knees to my chest. Head buried between my legs. I cried and cried. I sat for an hours just crying.

Then, I heard another car pull up and turn off. "I knew you'd be here. You know how late it is?" Clay's voice asked softly from behind me. "What's wrong man? Your mom called and said you weren't home yet." He asked as he sat next to me. I look up from the ground and meet his eyes. "I'm gay." I told him. It felt good to say. I felt a little bit better. "I know Nick. I've known since we were fourteen." He pulled me into a side hug and rubbed my back. "And that's okay?" I ask, I need his reassurance. He's always there for me, and right now I need him more than ever. "Yep, nothing is wrong with who you love. I'll always be your best friend, no matter what." Clay spoke.

I started to cry again. I close my eyes and engulf Clay into a tight hug. "I messed up Clay. I told him how I feel and he hates me! He hates me because of fucking Sean and Josh. Clay, I'm a monster, a jerk, and an idiot!" I yell. Anyone below the cliffs could've heard. I don't care. It's how I felt and people can know for all I care. "You told who? Who is this guy?" Clay asked calmly. He wasn't panicking or stressed. He was simply at ease."Karl. I told Karl that I love him. Clay, I told the only guy in the world who could make me feel special." I sobbed into his shoulder. He continued to rub my back. "What about that honkkarl guy? Aren't you like in love with him?" Clay asked. I sat silently. He seemed to piece together what I had pieced together weeks ago. "I understand it now." Clay spoke quietly. "Exactly, honkkarl and Karl Jacobs are the same guy. What do I do? It's all spiraling. " I ask him through sobs. He just sighs and rests his head on mine.

"I don't know, that's for you to choose."

💜Karl's POV💜

11:52 pm

It was late. So late that Sapnap wouldn't respond. He hasn't responded since our call. I lay in bed, crying. I had a chance with the guy I'm mad in love with and I turned him down. What could I ever do with my self?

(Triggering topics ahead)

I know. I stand from my bed and walk to the closet. A small box sits in the bottom of my closet. It contains a few things, but what I'm interested in is the small blade I've stored in there for a year now. I've only used it once. But, now, I wanted to feel the pain and sting it caused more than ever. I open the small box and grab the shiny blade. I back away from the closet to go sit at my desk. I roll up my sleeves. I placed the blade on my wrist horizontally. Slowly, I cut lines all across my arms. On all sides. On all parts. There was so much blood by the end of it that barely any skin could be seen.

I didn't feel any different. Just sadder and more disappointed in myself. I switch which hand the blade is in. I place the blade against my wrist again. But, before I could make the first line. My phone rang.

Not now. Why is someone interrupting what I deserve for being an idiot? I look down at my phone.

                                   Sapnap

                       ✅                      ❎

I press the check. I can hear waves splash against rocks and wind blowing trees. I hear a boy quietly crying. "H-Hello? Is this Karl?" A familiar voice asked. I couldn't tell who it was, but I knew them. "Yes? Who is this?" I ask my voice cracking. "That's not important, but your friend wants to tell you something." The unnamed man told me. I could hear the phone move around a little and I heard small shuffles. "K-Karl Jacobs, I'm sorry. I can't change that I love you and I can't change that I'm gay, but please just don't be mad at me. Just please, just answer my question from earlier. I really really like you and I don't want you to leave me. So please, was it you?" Sapnap asked. No, that's Nick. Nickolas Halo. But, also Sapnap. They're the same guy. I'm in love with them, which just means I'm in love with Nick.

I just gulped. I look down at my arms. One bleeding and one ready to bleed.

(Trigger topics are finished.)

I take a deep breath. "Yes, it was me. I, Karl Jacobs, am in love with you Nick. But, we can't. We can't be in love. You're a football player and I'm just a nerd who is a tutor. It won't work. " I said, my voice depressed. "Why? Why can't the two of us just be who we are? Just two guys in love! Forget football and tutoring! We can forget those things! And I swear if you say my reputation is at stake, I don't care  I'm in love with you and nobody will change that!" Nick screamed. I heard the other voice shush him a little. "Karl, please, we're just two idiots in love. Please.'' Nick begs for a yes.

I sigh. " Nickolas, I am in love with you. I love your chocolatey hair and your chocolatey eyes. I love everything about you. But, if you really want football to be your career, dating me is a danger." I admitted. Nick scoffed. "Fuck it. They won't let me play anyways. Josh snitched and said that I fucked you up. Which, I didn't. They fucking forced me in there. They were going to tell everyone. I wasn't ready then for people to know who I am. But, now I don't care." Nick spat out. I heard a gasp. "Fine then, Nick. Ask me out one day and I'll answer." I told him. I knew he wouldn't do it. He wouldn't ask me out right now. Not with someone with him and not with me on the phone.

"Okay. Jacobs, will you be my boyfriend?"

(1145 words)

A/N - So, two updates in one day? How we feeling? This is almost the end. I hope you love it.

Mental Health Resources

LGBT(will mostly like work for anyone) Resources - https://www.prayawayfilm.com/resources
The Trevor Project