Dosage of Serotonin

Chapter 36

Chapter 36

I didn't know how that night ended. Ang alam ko lang ay hinayaan ko ang sariling tanggapin ang lahat ng sinabi ni Calix.

My heart swelled with joy when I opened his gift and realized what it was—a white gold bracelet with a pendant of the chemical structure of serotonin, a neurotransmitter that makes people feel contented, optimistic, and happy.

Truth be told, it made my night. Pakiramdam ko, kahit patago, ay naging masaya ako.

Salungat sa gustong niyang mangyari ay hindi kami nagkita kinabukasan. Maaga akong kinailangan sa ospital dahil tumulak kami pa-Tacoma para magkaroon ng free Christmas counseling. It happened so suddenly, but I didn't object because I loved volunteering. I loved serving others, especially since the suicide rate was continuously growing.

Ito ang isa sa mga paborito kong ginagawa ng ospital. Dahil private hospital kami, totoong may kamahalan ang medical fees. Tuloy ay naging pribelehiyo ang pagkakaroon ng maayos na kalusugan.

And I believe the government should provide more resources for our medical practitioners. They should fund medical research and support health professionals so that everyone has access to quality health care. Kahit kasi public hospitals ay mahal pa rin ang billing. Ang hirap tuloy magkasakit kapag wala kang pera.

The whole counseling session would last for five days. Unang araw palang ay marami nang nakapila sa amin; kadalasan ay mga may edad na. I found it remarkable that getting your mental health checked was no longer considered taboo... unlike in the past. I mean, going to a psychiatrist didn't automatically mean you had any mental disorders. It was just like a regular physical check-up, only that you would be checking on your mental health.

Parang cultural reset ang ginawa ko. I suddenly missed my office in Procare Hospital. I missed Kaycee and Faye. I missed Yesha. I missed my inpatients and outpatients. I missed working as a full-time psychiatrist. 'Yong mag-ha-handle ako ng mabibigat na cases at magiging hands-on sa mga pasyente na may guarded prognosis.

I texted Yna about the sudden outdoor activity... that I wouldn't be home for the following days.

I just spent my whole Christmas listening to the stories of the beautiful individuals I handled.

On my second day, ganoon pa rin ang nangyari. Hindi na kasingdami ng kahapon ang pumunta, pero may mangilan-ngilan pa rin akong nakausap. Isa sa mga tumatak sa akin ay ang intake interview ko sa isang babae na halos ka-edad ko lang.

"Can you tell me what makes you sad most of the time?" tanong ko.

Pinanood ko kung paano siya yumuko. Sinimulan niyang kalikutin ang kamay at maya-maya'y nagpakawala ng buntonghininga.

"I'm married," panimula niya. "My husband and I have two children and we're doing great. My husband adores me to bits. He always tells me how lucky he is to have me in his life." She gave a sad smile. "But every night, I wonder what I did to deserve this kind of life... and once in a while, I have this feeling that it may be taken away from me."

I urged her to keep going.

"Doc, what if I let them down... as I did the last time? What if I don't turn out to be the person my family believes I am?" Her voice had shattered. "My problem is trivial... I mean, I'm blessed. What more do I need?" She shook her head. "But then again, maybe I'm just afraid of disappointing my loved ones."

She looked at me; visible sadness could be seen in her eyes.

"I'm sad all the time because I can't forgive myself for what I did to them in the past. And maybe that's the price I need to pay for my mistakes—guilt."