Fragile

Chapter 30

As Noah promised, he gave me space. I refused to answer his calls or texts over the next week. Kiera walked me to and from classes in case my mother returned, but I honestly didn't know why I bothered attending. I felt like a shell of myself, just going through the motions. A fake smile was plastered on my face when someone passed me or spoke to me, but their words went straight through me. I was completely numb, barely even aware of the days passing. I couldn't allow myself to truly think; if I did, I would curl up into a ball and just cry. 

Kiera cleared her throat for the third time to get my attention on Saturday morning. I kept my eyes on the ceiling as I laid on my bed. I could barely even register the bed under me, as if I was floating in my own little world. "Fay," Kiera finally spoke. "Fay, we need to talk." 

"I'm fine," I echoed for what felt like the hundredth time. Even my voice was so dead, part of me deep inside my body cringed. 

"You're not fine," she insisted. "You're not handling this. You're barely eating, not sleeping... you're like a zombie!" 

Part of me wanted to feel guilty for my behavior. I knew Kiera was only worried about me, and I was sure she heard everything that had happened from Noah. I also knew Noah asked her to watch me in his place. Maybe it was because I knew she was only here because of Noah, but I felt no remorse. As if I had returned to the basement overnight, I was lost deep in my head. Her words barely even registered in my empty skull. 

"I think it would be weird if I was totally fine," I  deadpanned. "Given the circumstances." 

"See? You can't even say it," she said. "Fay, your father and brother are dead. They have been for eight years." 

"Stop it-" 

"Your mom tried to attack you-" 

"I said to stop-" 

"It's not Noah's fault-" 

"Just stop!" I shrieked, jolting into a sitting position. My eyes widened when I saw Kiera visibly recoil. I had never raised my voice at her, not once. I had never really raised my voice in general. Yet my hands were trembling and my skin was burning and my heart pounded in my ears. In a panic, I jumped off the bed and ran out of the dorm to the outside benches. 

Then, I burst into tears. 

I wasn't sure why, but maybe Kiera's outburst managed to unlock the Pandora's box in my heart. She blurted the words I couldn't say out loud as if they were nothing, and while that angered me, I was more surprised and ashamed of how I had reacted. Waves of grief and guilt hit me that made my body heave forward with each passing sob. Everything was too much, everything felt like too much. 

In my hiccuping state, I felt the chill of the morning air and I suddenly yearned for warmth. I wrapped my arms around my torso with a sinking feeling in my gut, unable to shake the loneliness that decided to hit like a tsunami. Everything was falling apart, but as I coughed out wheezy sobs, I came to the realization that one thing I wanted more than anything at that moment was to be in Noah's arms. 

But Fate was too cruel for that. 

"Fay?" a familiar male voice. I looked up through the blurriness of my tears and saw the man sit next to me. I didn't really care that it wasn't Noah. I didn't care about the alarms that went off in my head immediately upon the new company, or the fact that the person I yearned for wasn't anywhere near here. I just buried my nose into the man's shirt and let out another strained sob, tears staining the fitted white tee. 

I wasn't expecting the person to hold me back. In all honesty, I didn't even feel like I was there in that moment. As if watching from afar, I watched that familiar person hold me and stroke my head, but could barely feel it myself. That person whispered soothing words that I did not process. But I knew that no matter how hard I tried to imagine different, it wasn't Noah. He didn't smell like Noah, but like champagne and cigarettes. Noah smelled like aftershave and pine. Noah's hugs felt warm, and I always seemed to slot myself right into his body like a puzzle piece, but this hug was at an awkward angle and the body proportions didn't match. 

When I finally pulled back, I forced myself to truly register who it was that had comforted me. My blurry eyes widened. "Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't mean-" 

"It's okay, really," Seth gave me a smile, passing me a water bottle. "Here, drink some water." 

I paused at first, humiliated as I noticed the tear stains all over the front of his shirt. He prodded me once more, and I reluctantly took the water, taking small gentle sips. "I'm sorry," I mumbled in between sips. 

"It's fine," he said. "I noticed you've been going through a rough time. It happens." 

I nodded, though I wasn't in the mood to share. Seth didn't press me, and instead leaned back on the bench as I sipped the water. I was exhausted, and I had a headache from crying so much. The world was cold but sunny, which seemed like a slap in the face regarding my own emotions. Seth himself seemed to be in a good mood, though he didn't speak. He just waited for me to finish drinking and smiled. 

"Feel better?" 

I nodded, passing him the bottle back. "Thank you," I murmured. 

"Do you wanna talk about it?" 

I shook my head. "Thanks though." I paused for a moment. "You've been so nice to me lately." 

"Should I be mean?" he teased. 

"No, I just..." I felt my cheeks heat up. "I just don't get why, I guess. You have no reason to." 

"How are you so certain I don't have a reason?" he asked. His smile turned into more of a smolder as he raised his eyebrow. 

I felt shy under his gaze. "I-I mean..." I trailed off, unsure of what to say. I was honestly too tired to even articulate sentences anyways. I felt groggy. "What reason?" 

He barked out a laugh. "You're so cute, but so dense," he teased. He slowly leaned forward until I had my back pressed against the bench. My eyes widened at the proximity as both arms caged me in. His breath fanned my face as he stared intently at me, his eyes turning almost animalistic for a split second. "How should I express my feelings so you understand?" 

My heart pounded in my chest, but my gut twisted in an uneasy cramp. "I-I..." I trailed off. Was Seth going to kiss me? My mind seemed to reject the idea, but at the same time I couldn't deny the compromising position I was now in. Was I supposed to reject him? How did I reject advances like this? What was the protocol for these kinds of situations? 

But before I could make any actions, Seth pulled away and sat back in his original position with a gentle chuckle. I let out a relieved exhale I didn't even know I was holding. My body suddenly felt heavy, and I let all my muscles relax in my position. Everything felt sore, and the urge to go back to my dorm and take a nap was increasing rapidly. 

"Fay, did you hear me?" 

"Hm?" I hadn't even realized I had spaced out. "Sorry, I'm not feeling myself. Maybe it's all the crying, I'm just really tired." 

He gave me an understanding nod. "Do you need help going back to your dorm? You seem really out of it. Should I drive you to a doctor?" 

I shook my head, but even that felt like too much effort. My eyes were struggling to remain open. "I'm fine..." I made a move to get up, but my limbs suddenly felt like they were cement. I pouted and tried to raise my arms weakly. Why was I so weak and exhausted? 

"Here, I'll help you," I barely registered Seth sweeping me in his arms lightly, and my head rested against his shoulder. My eyes seemed to immediately fall closed. 

I knew something was wrong in the way my heart pounded and alarms went off in my head. My stomach churned painfully and my entire body seemed to scream run. But I was no longer in control of my limbs, and I could feel my drowsy body slipping into a deep slumber. 

My mind screamed for Noah, who I knew wouldn't help me. I had sent him away and told him to leave me alone. I had sent everyone away. There was no one waiting for me, no one to check up on me, no one to ask where I was or why I suddenly vanished. Anguish washed over me as I came to the startling realization that everyone was right. I was fragile. I was fragile and naive and stupid, just like they had all said. Just like Noah had said. It was all my fault. Everything was my fault. 

Before I completely lost consciousness, I heard Seth murmur, "Sleep well..." 

There was nothing I could do to stop it.