𝙻𝚞𝚌𝚔𝚢 𝙼𝚎 {𝙹𝚎𝚏𝚏 𝚃𝚑𝚎 𝙺𝚒𝚕𝚕𝚎𝚛 𝚡 𝚁𝚎𝚊𝚍𝚎𝚛}

You're not a freak||ℂ𝕙𝕒𝕡𝕥𝕖𝕣 𝟞

∆~This chapter contains self-harm, if that triggers you please skip, if not you may continue~∆

Jeff hadn't come by since he helped me clean up the body, that was about a week ago. Nobody had started asking questions which was usual because nobody really liked Zeke and he used to disappear for whole months at a time, how convenient for me. F/N was the only one worried and they were more pissed off that he "left" without saying anything to them

F/N and I had gone back to hanging out every day, the joy that had come with that was gone and was replaced by an overwhelming emptiness, it constantly felt like something was missing and it was eating at me. I tried my best to put on a smile for everyone so they didn't start to worry. F/N was currently talking to me about how their day went, usually I'd be excited to listen but right now I could barely stay focused on anything

"Y/N? Are you ok? You've been really quiet." F/N placed their hand on mine and I gave them the best smile I could manage "I'm ok, just tired" They nodded with a smile "I'll get going so you can rest then, text me if you need anything" And with that they left

I was alone again, I was used to being alone by now but it still didn't feel right. I decided I would fix myself something to eat and watch some TV, after all I had nothing better to do. I popped some leftovers into the microwave and sat down on the counter facing the window. The empty feeling seemed to grow every minute I was alone, the feeling of something missing constantly eating away at my mind

I looked down at my hands thinking back to a moment in my childhood that always made me feel at least a little better

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I was on my knees crying, I had just been pushed down by my bully and scraped my knee. I wasn't crying because it hurt, I was crying because they called me a monster and started laughing at me. I knew I should be used to it by now but those words still bother me, and the fact that they were true

I held my head in my hands and continued to cry, my tears blurred my vision and stung my eyes. My knee was bleeding but I was too stuck in my head to notice

'Why? Why me?' I couldn't help but pity myself, pity myself for being so weak, for not fighting back, for letting their words hurt me, for being a freak. My pity quickly turned to rage as I kept crying, I started hitting my head while repeating the word freak to myself

A boy crouched down in front of me and reached his hand out to me with a smile, the boy confused me

'Why isn't he scared?' I asked myself, but the boy just continued to smile, I placed my hand in his making him smile wider "You ok?" He finally spoke, I was more confused than ever, was he really asking me that? I just stared at the boy, his bright emerald eyes seemed so soft and kind, full of curiosity and worry, his tone held so much warmth and his hand felt so soft

"I'm.. Fine..." I replied to the boy never looking away from him, afraid that if I did, he'd disappear. "Oh good! I was a bit worried cuz I saw you crying.." He tilted his head, his kind smile never wavering and his eyes never looking away

He was the first person to show me genuine kindness, and the last...

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Instead of helping it only made me feel worse, the emptiness now too much to bare. I noticed a knife from the corner of my eye and stared at it, now thinking of piercing my skin with the blade, perhaps it would stop the empty feeling? Perhaps I could feel something, anything...

I got down from the counter and picked up the knife, the blade reflecting the sunlight that shown through the window, I pressed the blade to the skin of my left arm with shallow, shaky breathes, I pressed harder finally piercing my s/c skin, I dragged the blade across my skin causing blood to trickle down my arm, I placed the blade down and watched the blood

I still felt nothing so I did it again in hopes it would work this time, still nothing so I did it once more, again nothing. I now felt slightly dizzy and still just as empty, I slid down to the ground and held my head with my uninjured hand, my whole body started to shake, the emptiness was just too much, it felt so awful, it had never been this bad before

I once again pressed the blade to my skin leaving yet another mark, now tears began to form in my eyes even though I still felt nothing. The tears began to stream falling to my arm and mixing with the blood, my breathing became heavy and quick, I held my head once more as my h/c hair fell slightly in front of my eyes

I squeezed my eyes shut and set the knife down my arm now becoming numb. I felt extremely dizzy and began to lose consciousness, I opened my eyes long enough to see an extremely pale hand grab me by the shoulder

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I'm not sure how long I had been out for but I opened my eyes to see I was in the living room on the couch, my left arm felt itchy and I looked down to see it bandaged a bit sloppily. I sat up and looked around. I still felt empty, I pressed my legs to my chest and hugged them tightly, I didn't understand why I was feeling this way and it was getting annoying

I was snapped out of it by the sound of moving from the kitchen, I quickly got up, I didn't have anything to use as a weapon so I kind of just said fuck it and slowly made my way to the kitchen. I peeked my head inside to see someone with long, messy black hair wearing a bloody hoodie and immediately realized it was Jeff, the empty feeling slowly faded

I went back to the couch and sat down, Jeff made his way to the front room and stopped when he noticed I was awake, his mood quickly changing to anger. He stopped right in front of me with his arms crossed "The hell were you thinking?" He snapped making me flinch slightly, I had never really seen him angry, especially not angry with me, I hung my head and hugged my knees "I just wanted to feel something..." I replied quietly now feeling guilty, he crouched down and looked up at me staring right into my e/c eyes making me feel slightly uncomfortable

I looked away "I'm sorry.. I know it was stupid but, I just wanted to stop feeling numb..." He scoffed "And did it help?" He snapped once more and I shook my head. He sighed and stood up sitting beside me "Next time don't be dumb." He flicked my shoulder