Realize》SaTzu✔

Chapter 23.

SN's POV

We're going too fast...

Never thought those words would come out of my mouth. Almost without warning things changed and we began this sudden passionate relationship that I never considered to be a possibility. Now, whenever I look into his eyes they're filled with so much happiness and...Love. That four letters word scares the shit out of me. We've been getting along so well and it's almost as if it should have been this way from the start.

So why do I feel like shit?

I wanted this right?

I wanted to fall asleep in his arms every night...I wanted to kiss him...I wanted it all. I should have stopped it but it was happening so fast, and oh how my body craved him. A week has passed and to sum it up, it's been amazing. I think we've christened every inch of this house from top to bottom. Just when my vagina needs a rest he gives me this sexy lopsided smirk and I'm all hot and bothered again. What can I say; I'm addicted to him and that giant he carries around in his pants. We just can't keep our hands off of each other no matter how hard we try. When he's inside me nothing can compare. It's incredible. So soft and sweet, so full; he's attentive to my needs and I knew from the start that this was far from fucking, he makes love to me.

Fucking, well that I'm used to as I've been the giver and receiver of such for much of my life. I've questioned myself over and over as if this is all some hallucination and I'm imagining that there's a difference between what I've experienced with other men, and what I'm experiencing with Tzuyu. The conclusion is, there's a huge difference.

To explain it I would have to describe the look in his eyes as he thrusts inside of me. The way he holds me in his strong arms, kissing and caressing my skin, making me believe that I'm as beautiful as he describes into my ear all the while taking my body to greater heights.

It's similar to an out-of-body experience. Pleasure beyond my wildest dreams...

And yet my heart hurts each time. I care about him so much...But I know I can't give him what he needs. Things have changed and I've realized a lot being here with Tzuyu.

I'm a victim of my past, a prisoner of the present, but only I can be the savior of my future.

It's scary. I shouldn't be afraid but the fact that I am makes it all the more real to me. This fear must stem from the past I've never come to terms with. Tzuyu has said he can see a change in me, the most significant being that I no longer cry in my sleep, and it might have something to do with the change in our relationship. I smile and agree with him, but only I know the truth. The nightmares are still there. My memories still haunt me. Lately, my nightmares about Sora have gotten worse. Some involve the memories of her cruelty in my younger years, but the others involve her making visits to my bedroom now as I am older. She's a constant reminder of the things I will never be able to escape. No matter how much I pretend that everything is okay, she wants me to know that I can run, but I can't hide from the truth.

It figures she would torment me even in death. Evil like that never dies.

Tzuyu cannot know. If he saw just how vulnerable I really am he would go above and beyond to try to fix it. I don't want him to worry about me anymore. It's hard because I want to be able to open up and tell him things. He wants to know about every part of my life, the good and the bad. He knows the finer details and to me, that's all he should know. I'm tainted beyond repair, and if I told him everything it would be like giving him the ammunition to completely break me. He'd have more power than anyone...It may seem irrational because I know that Tzuyu wouldn't intentionally hurt me, but I won't take any chances. He's better off staying in the dark.