Double Life | Natasha Romanoff

29. Journal

Natasha POV
I finally woke up from the anesthesia, I didn't want to go under but I guess I passed out when Y/N was carrying me up. Bruce left me alone in the med bay, knowing I can take care of myself.

Just as I was about to get out of bed, Steve came in to check on me. "Can I know what happened?"

"Long story short, I got kidnapped."

"You?" Steve looks dumbfounded. "You never let anyone kidnap you unless it was on purpose."

"Where is Y/N?" I ask Steve.

"She left after leaving you here."

I went to find my phone and called her but was met with a voice answering machine. I tried texting her but she didn't reply. I have a bad feeling that she's going to do something drastic but I can't put my finger on it.

"Where are you going? You are still injured." Steve holds me back.

"You know better than to stop me." I shake him off and drive to Y/N house. Without bothering to knock, I take out the keys and let myself in.

"Y/N?" I called out for her, but there was no reply. The only light shining was coming from her office. "Are you in here?" I push the door open slowly but there is nobody in it. She's not answering her phone and I can't find her, where could she be? I tried to look through her computer but it was locked with a password.

I never knew her password and I doubt she'll leave it around for people to find. I connected my phone to her computer to try and hack it open. Meanwhile, I search around for other clues.

I remember the first day when Y/N took me around for her house tour and I reached out for her daily loggings as she calls it. I walked to the wall of books and picked one out.

I can see her neat handwriting across the page as I read. This was not what I was expecting. I was expecting her records of her workout.

4 September 2012 (your sister is not dead yet)

Hey, I know you won't like it but it's very hard to tell you that I joined the National Security Agency. They have a whole special section for women. Times have truly changed, women are being used as a spy more frequently than men. We are able to get more information and infiltrate better compared to our male colleagues.

Let's just say men let things slip so easily and make things easy for us.I don't know how to tell you this but you'll probably figure it out yourself since you are pretty intuitive.

---

I flip pass a few pages before stopping to read another entry again.

23 June 2013

Getting my first tough case, Felix Walker, his name is. Luna, you've seen her before, she's assigned with me on this case. We know he's the one behind it but we can't get any proof. We tried a sting operation but it didn't work, he's too sly and swapped the contents in the warehouse before we got to it.

---

I flip again before arriving at a messier page. The writings were almost illegible, words not written in a straight line and all over the place. I can see the creases caused by her tears as she wrote this.

19 May 2014

Now that you're gone, who's going to help me tie my hair? I'm a mess without you. You keep me alive each day after I come back from work. You took time out to take care of me even though you had your own job, and I went to do this to you. I don't deserve to be called your sister.

---

I pick another book up and flip through to a random entry.

3 October 2016

I've been assigned lesser and lesser missions as each month passed, maybe it's for the better since I'm not concentrating. I'll end up jeopardizing the entire mission. I think I'll just quit. You'd like that won't you?

---

I see that this handwriting is even messier than the one I saw earlier. 

24 November 2016

I can't stop thinking about you ever since I quit. There is just too much free time. I end up becoming a freelance hitman to get my mind off things. When you are not here I'm suffocating, tell me is this where I give it all up?

---

Reading her journal has allowed me to take a glimpse of her past, able to feel her emotions from her writing and what she's been through. I try to find the latest book to see if I can figure out where she is at the moment. 

31 May 2021 (the day after you gave the house tour)

Can you love with a broken heart? Not only that, it's probably too dangerous. NSA asked me to go back again to settle Felix Walker. I don't know if I am able to walk out of this alive. Once I go in, there's no turning back. I don't know if I am able to protect her. I'm not feeling like myself, I don't know how to feel anymore. It's been so long since you left.

---

I hear my phone ping and I go and check her computer. It brings up the screen of a map with a marker. That's where I assume she is. I called Fury as I drove to the hotel as I knew chaos would ensue.

I rush up the lift and see a lot of dead bodies on the floor as the lift opens. This tells me I'm at the right level. I step over all the piles of dead bodies and rush into the room.

"Stop it! Don't do it!" I shouted.

"Natasha? What are you doing here?" Her shock expression planted all over her face.

What do you think of the journal entry? I wasn't sure if I should add it in.