in shades of yellow

chapter 15

He loved me and I lost him.
He loved me and I lost him.

There was so escaping the torment. The pain of knowing Cedric loved me, of knowing no one's ever cared about me before like he did, and knowing I destroyed it. I destroyed him.

The mattress began to shape itself to the contour of my curled up, unmoving body. My pillow grew damp and sticky with sweat or tears or a mixture of both.

I couldn't stay in bed again, I knew that. I couldn't sleep away what I'd done. I had to live with this pain. I did this.

When Penelope came to get me for dinner, I told her nothing. Embarrassment? Maybe. More like shame, guilt, regret and utter sadness.

The dining hall was quiet and we were early. We took our usual seats at the Hufflepuff table, waiting for Ollie to join us.

He took what felt like an eternity to arrive, and once he did, I couldn't help but notice the eyebrow crease of fear scrunched upon his face as he saw me.

"What's the matter with you?" Penelope joked, picking up a roll and ripping off a bite of it with her front teeth.

"Lilah," Ollie starts, "you should go." Concern tainted his tone.

"What?" I asked, confused as ever.

Ollie sighed, "Trust me, just go," he gulped as a flood of male voices and laughter entered the great hall, "You don't want to see this."

His eyes met Penelope's and I watched as they both looked towards the entrance. Curiously, I followed their gaze.

There he was, amidst the entire Hufflepuff quidditch team. Right smack in the middle, like some sort of cult leader or something. Two girls, one in green robes and one in blue, clung to each of his sides. His arms wrapped around them tightly as he stumbled into the dining hall, clearly drunk out of his mind on fire whiskey. Pierson followed not too far behind. My heart ached but my eyes wouldn't peel; they began to glass over, frozen in shock.

His hands lowered to the girls waists and a mixture of betrayal and jealousy stabbed into my heart. He stumbled his way over to the Hufflepuff table and shot me a mocking smile upon meeting my gaze. Ouch.

I got up to leave, to go to the bathroom and sob or something, but Penelope quickly pulled me back down. "You're staying," she demanded, "he doesn't get to do this, don't give him the satisfaction."

She was right, I shouldn't leave. I had to get used to it now, right? After all, it was my fault.

I sat back down and tried to force a piece of chicken down my throat, ignoring my clear loss of appetite.

I needed Pierson, I couldn't help but think it. He was my shoulder to cry on. He's the one I would ask for guidance for this kind of thing. Now both him and Cedric wanted nothing to do with me.

I couldn't help but glance down the table. Cedric had each girl on one side of his lap, feeding him food like servants. The sight repulsed me.

Throughout dinner he was loud and obnoxious, clearly looking for attention. I put on a smile and pretended not to notice his disgustingness. This was not the Cedric I knew. It hurt that somehow I turned him into this.

At the end of dinner, Penelope, Ollie and I got up and headed out of the great hall. When we walked past the quidditch team I stared straight ahead. Penelope and Ollie gave each other a glance before Penelope started, "We're gonna meet you back at the common room later if that's okay," she smirked.

"Yes, of course," I replied enthusiastically, "You two have fun..." Ollie sent me a wink and at that, the two of them headed in the direction of the astronomy tower.