trigger warnings: intrusive thoughts, self-isolation, self-hatred, relapsing, eating disorders, compulsive reading, counseling/therapy, mental compulsions
--
hiding away, locking the doors,
trying to save them from yourself.
thoughts are everywhere,
you're going to hurt them.
they don't need you,
you're just a burden.
relapsing again,
you feel like you're shit.
you promised to get better,
yet here you are again.
you hoard the things you shouldn't have,
hide them in corners and drawers.
don't let them know, you'll just worry them.
it's nice to talk about it,
but you have a hard time changing.
there's nothing you can do,
it feels like forever.
you tell yourself "it's fine",
"I won't do it tomorrow",
the next day you
tell yourself again.
you don't want to do it.
you feel out of control.
but you need to do it,
so it must be you.
shut everyone out,
so you don't hurt them,
but again and again,
they're hurt and you're it.
you disgust yourself,
reading things you hate.
then they come back
and torment your brain.
distract yourself with interests,
but don't get homework done.
everything that helps
makes things worse as well.
your therapist says "we'll work on it",
"distract yourself", "you can do it",
but you can't work,
and you can't do anything at all.
stop venting about it
to protect your friends.
tell your partner
"it's not that bad".
they have enough already,
you'll make it worse.
you can do fine,
you've lived through worse.
your parents ask,
"did you eat last night?"
you tell them no,
you ate every bite.*
you skip meals to balance,
but they make you stop.
you feel guilty;
you feel gross;
you feel nothing at all.
just keep moving,
keep finding a way.
count and spell,
it's patterns all day.
never mind it doesn't work
for more than an hour.
an hour is better
than speaking, and feeling shallow.
--
* - strikethrough line
