What We Used To

Prologue

M i k h a

"Love, I'm confused."

The night was so dull, tinatakpan ng mga ulap ang buwan at kaunting bituin lang rin ang makikita. Sabayan mo pa ng gloomy aura ni Aiah.

She has been like this for more than a week, I guess? Pansin kong parati siyang maraming iniisip. Sa tuwing magkasama kami, her mind is wandering somewhere else. If you'd ask if she's fine, she'll say yes. Which was unusual because we have been together for 5 years and if something bothers her, she'll instantly tell it to me.

"I know," I said to her while caressing her hair down to her nape. She was leaning her head on my shoulder and it was the only time it felt heavy because I can feel the thoughts running through her head.

"You know?" She asked.

"I know," ulit ko. "You haven't been in your usual self the past few days. Now, tell me what's going on. May idea ako pero ayoko namang mag-conclude."

Umayos siya ng pagkakaupo saka bumuntong hininga. It was deep, you can really feel the heaviness of her heart right now.

"I feel like I was falling out of love," hindi ako sumagot. I was right. I know her too much to even guess what's going on through her mind. "I wasn't sure, though."

"Paano mo naman nasabi?" I asked.

"I cannot find exactly the same excitement years and months ago. Parang pakiramdam ko usual na lang lahat. A day can pass by without me having thoughts of you. I feel like I'm not happy with us anymore or maybe I was just so used to it to seek for something new. " Her eyes told me that she was really confused.

I should've been crying right now knowing that she's not feeling the same way as before anymore. I don't know, all I feel is numbness. Siguro kasi we've been too open with each other, parang ang babaw na sa'kin ng ganito. It shouldn't be like this, right? But us being us, it was so normal to voice out our feelings in this relationship. We always try to understand each other. And yes, I'm trying to understand her right now kahit na marami ring tanong na tumatakbo sa isip ko.

"Is it possible to fall out of love?" I asked. "Or maybe we have just thought that love is always about the butterflies and rainbows, we forgot that butterflies come into cycle and rainbows come after the rain."

"I'm sorry... hindi ko kasi sigurado," a tear fell from her eye. She instantly wiped it away.

"Wala namang iba hindi ba?"

Umiling siya ng paulit-ulit, "No, no. Wala. I never imagined myself being in love with anyone else."

"If that's the case, why fall out of love with me?" I asked again.

"Hindi ko alam... maybe there's just too much on my plate right now kaya ang gulo ng utak ko." She answered.

I took a deep breath before asking again, "so, are you... breaking up with me now?" It was hard for me to spit out that question. Mabigat. Aiah's so precious and I don't wanna lose her.

"I don't know..." she averted her gaze on me. "I'm lost. Hindi ko alam ang gagawin. I don't wanna leave you yet I want to. I don't wanna lose you but it feels like it. I'm in between."

"Love, make up your mind." I gently said to her. I tried to hold her hand and she did not protest. I caress her, she's crying out of confusion and I hate to see it.

"I don't really know..." It was almost a whisper. "I wanted to stay... but I know it wasn't the same anymore with what I'm feeling before. Ayoko namang maging unfair sa'yo."

Hindi ko alam ang isasagot sa kaniya but my mind suddenly came up with an idea. I don't wanna lose her, maybe she was just confused and maybe... maybe this would help.

"Let's go back to all the places and things we used to..." I suggested. "Let's reminisce, maybe going back to the start would make our love for each other alive. Maybe not, but there's no harm in trying right?"

Everything's sinking into me now. Aiah feels like she's not in love with me anymore. She wants to go but doesn't want to. She's confused and it's making my chest heavier. I think I have to do something.

"What if I realized the other way around, that my feelings already died?" She asked.

I spoke again, "Kung hindi pa rin, let's end this. I'll respect your decision if ever. You know that I always got your back, love."

"Okay," she nodded. "Let's try to look back at the old and happy us, let's go back to when we're so in love with each other."

I smiled at her, "I have two last questions, love."

"Ano po 'yon?" She's a bit more relaxed now than earlier.

"Do you still see the future we've built in our mind..." I saw her stiffened with the question. "If after this the rainbow will not appear and if the butterflies in our stomach are dead, will you still fly with me?"

"I—" I cut her off.

"You don't have to answer it for now," I squeezed her hand. "Answer it when you are already sure about it. I'll wait."

"Thank you, Mikha. Let's start over and we'll see." Ang foreign pakinggan ng pangalan ko kapag sa bibig niya galing, siguro kasi nasanay ako sa "love". Pero hindi ko na iyon ginawang big deal. I just smiled when I saw her smile. I love it when her little dimples would appear and her eyes would form a single line.

"We'll see. I love you.".

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