Statehouse Rules

Rule 7: "No" Antagonizing Peta

Author's Note: The billboard mentioned is a real thing. I saw it, a friend (AnanaPanini) introduced the concept of other organizations having personification, and thus this idea was born.

Gov uses he/him pronouns in this chapter.

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It all happened because Maryland decided to wage a billboard war against Peta. The organization put something up about crabs and going vegan. Maryland put up a billboard about crabs and putting Old Bay Spice on them. (Technically, the Old Bay company put the billboard up. But Maryland liked to claim credit amongst the statehouse and for once everybody gladly gave it to him).

For whatever reason, that billboard gave Peta, the organization personification, the motive to stop by the statehouse unannounced. He has been trying to call, text, and email Gov and Maryland about the situation. However, almost everybody in the house had blocked him. Even other organizations had blocked him. Nobody liked Peta.

Florida spotted him arriving first. He was outside, about to shoot off one of his model rockets when he saw the car approaching. It was hard to miss. The thing was covered in more bumper stickers than California's car. At least California had diversity in what he chose, Peta's stickers were all PETA related.

He ran to the statehouse as fast as he could, which was pretty fast since he often had to outrun cops.

"We have a Code Peach. I repeat, we have a Code Peach!" He screamed as he entered the front door. Multiple states looked up, confused. Oh yeah, he forgot to share his code system with them. "You-know-who is on their way here right now."

"Voldemort is right next to me. You're a little late." Ohio shot back. Michigan flicked his ear.

"No, not him. P-E-A-T." Florida spelled out. "C'mon we gotta get all the pets to safety."

Florida ran off to collect all the pets around the statehouse. It took the rest of the states a few seconds to make the connection. Somebody really needed to teach that boy how to read. And spell.

But once the connection was made, they all took off in opposite directions. They were scooping up any and every pet they could find and running them out to the barn for safety. A group of states armed themselves with bats and gardening tools and stood guard.

California, Oregon, and Washington went through all the food in the house and made sure all the vegan friendly options were stashed away in a secret location. (Washington's room. Due to all his allergies there was an enforced limit on who could enter, making it a safe space).

Somebody had gone and alerted Gov and the Northeastern states, who were having a regional meeting. New York instantly got upset. He really didn't want to hear about how his autism was because he drank cow's milk. Massachusetts got excited. Nobody messes with New York except for him. He's been waiting for an opportunity to knock Peta over ever since the anti-dairy campaign.

There was no stopping the chaos now that it started. Not the Gov was interested in stopping this particular chaos anyway. He also wasn't a fan of Peta. So while the states ran around, protecting pets and preparing for the largest barbeque of their lives, he calmly walked to his office and sat in it. If Peta wanted to talk to Gov, he could come find him. Otherwise he was staying right there until dinner. What he didn't see, he couldn't comment on in court.

Downstairs, Peta was finally at the door. The group of states in the living room froze at his knock. They hadn't been able to get the last two pets out. Oklahoma pushed his kitten, Mittens, into New Mexico's hands and begged him to hide her in his sweater pocket. Minnesota and Missouri both kept a tight grip on Tenders, the problematic chicken.

Somebody opened the door to let Peta in, but it was never known who. Peta was only able to take one step inside before getting knocked off his feet by a punch to the face. He wasn't able to see his assailant, but he did hear an extremely long string of cuss words and insults. At that punch, both his assailant and the states in the living room scattered. The only person left was California. And he had receipts.

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Peta was not enjoying his visit to the statehouse. If he didn't know better, he'd think that the states were trying to antagonize him on purpose. The Northeast and the South were aggressively cooking seafood and barbeque. In fact, a few states had gone out and purposefully bought a truck load of meat and fish as well as TWO more grills. The Midwest had gone through the house and made sure that all their hunting trophies and photos were all on proud display. California would not leave him alone. Whenever Peta thought he finally lost him, a member of the West would lead California right back to him. Plus, he never found out who punched him in the face.

Eventually he went to hunt down Gov. Surely he could control the states and their unruly behavior. And maybe he would also finally listen to Peta's demands. There needs to be better laws in place to protect animals.

Gov was expecting Peta to show up eventually. He was not expecting him to show up with a huge fist-shaped bruise on his face. Luckily, Gov learned how to school his emotions over the years, so he was able to hide his laugh.

"Your states are absolute monsters." Peta started. California stood behind him, mocking his posture and mannerisms. Gov was finding it harder not to laugh. He subtly covered his mouth with a sheet of paper. "Not only are they outright abusing animals -" (A twin snort from California and Gov) "- but one of them punched me in the face the moment I walked through the door. Is that how you raised them to treat guests?"

Gov had to physically bite his tongue. First of all, he was never in charge of raising any of the states. They chose to raise each other and stay free of his or his sister's influence. Second of all, guests were wanted individuals, and Peta was not wanted.

"Massachusetts would never punch anybody in the face. Fighting isn't his thing."

"I never said it was Massachusetts." Peta stared Gov down. "What makes you think it was him?"

"I just said it wasn't him." Gov responded. He blinked his eyes innocently. CDC was going to love hearing about this.

"You just said Massachusetts by name. Why would you name a specific state if I never accused anybody?"

"I haven't the finest clue what you're talking about. I said it wasn't Mass."

California was dying behind Peta. He was trying so hard not to burst out laughing. It got to the point where he had to lean on the door frame for support because of how much his entire body was shaking.

"Would you like to join us for dinner later?" Gov asked. "The South and the Northeast are supposed to be preparing a lovely feast."

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Dinner was a fun adventure. The states had made enough food to feed 500 people. When Peta tried to ask them about it, Texas just patted his stomach and made a comment about how big their appetites were.

Peta ended up leaving early. There was nothing vegan or vegetarian for him to eat. (California, Washington, and Oregon all willingly gave up dinner for the night in order to ensure Peta couldn't get anything. They were able to sneak off during Peta's rant to get something though. The South actually helped them).

All the leftover food was packed away into mini-boxes. Tomorrow the states would take them to different areas of the community. The religious states already contacted their church/synagogue leaders about reaching out to members in need.

As they were finishing packing the food, Gov entered the kitchen. He hung up his phone and got the state's attention.

"So, I just got off the phone with one of the President's aides. It turns out, Peta called to complain about all of you. And me. As of now there is a new rule. We can 'not' antagonize Peta." Gov put air quotes around the 'not'. "Any questions?"

A state raised their hand. "Should we inform Florida of this rule?"

Gov looked at him with fake confusion. He gave the state a little wink. "What rule?"