Fading Away ✅

Chapter Fourteen

A loud sound rings around me. Everywhere I  look people laugh.  I am stuck, I can't move my feet. I am in an amusement park that looks familiar

Beside me, two guys and a girl stand; they pay no attention to me
Help, I yell. Help me, why can't I move. The words come out of my mouth but there is no sound from it. The chatter and laughs, the smells of cotton candy and fried chicken are also present

The loud sound rings again, it continues again and again. The sound is deafening and I want it to stop
The scene changes and I am in the darkroom that haunts me. There is blood everywhere on my hands, my clothes, and on the floor

There is a loud bloodcurdling scream of "HELP".
Why weren't you there, it yells
You are so selfish, selfish, selfish. It shows around me and I pull my hair. The noise is irritating, I want it to stop

I close my eyes and wake up with a start. My breath comes out in my pants and the tears come pouring out.
I can't take the guilt, the pain, and trying to pretend everything is okay. Today is the day, the same day one year ago everything changed in my life

You are such a joke, that taunted voice calls
The voice calls and I welcome it because I deserve it, I deserve all the pain and more
Stupid, stupid; that is what I am
I am so stupid for thinking I can just forget that day. The guilt dawn on me ten folds; the pain is so much

I switch on my lamp and pick up the book on the table
This book contains every self-hate word I write and tell myself I am. I need release; the release to bring pain to myself. I  do that by self-harming or writing hate words about myself, it isn't healthy but I can't help it
With the pen in my hand, the words flow easily

Useless, useless, useless
You deserve everything bad happening to you; the guilt, the pain, the lack of self-confidence, the insecure part, and the loneliness
You obviously can't help yourself and neither is anyone going to; you're going to wither and die like a decaying flower

It is sickenly funny how the words come to me easily when writing hate words about myself

Why can't you be normal
Why do you have to be stupid
I hate you so much
Just die
No one is going to care
I can't do this anymore

I can't do this anymore
If you can't, end it then, the taunting voice increases. My heart races loudly and I can't breathe. I feel like my heart will jump out of my chest. The room feels blurry and my whole body shakes. I feel like passing out and throwing up at the same time. Numbers are at the tip of my lips but I can't mention them. They don't want me to be at peace, there is chaos in my head. Everything is betraying me; I am in no state of mind to count

Bile rises in my throat and I crawl into the bathroom. I empty all the contents of my stomach in the toilet whilst tears spill out of my eyes. You are such a mess, the voice continues and you deserve to be lonely

I need to feel pain; it is my fault and I have to suffer the result. I drag myself to the sink. My vision is blurry and I can't form any coherent thought, I just need to cut

I retrieve the blade from my drawer and look at the mirror. I look pathetic as usual, my curly hair has lost its natural color and is tangled in a bird's nest, I look pale, my eyes are red-rimmed and my nose is puffy
I can't remember the last time I had eaten and exhaustion shines on my face. I hate myself so much

▶▶Trigger warning ahead◀◀
I circle a spot on my forearm with the edge of the blade. The scars on my arm look ugly and I hate myself ten times more
I sink the edge of the blade into my forearm and hold back of sob
This time I don't feel numb, I feel pain and the sickening part of me is glad. I fucking deserve more

I sink the blade at a different spot cutting horizontally
My chest tightens and it feels like this is the end
I feel dizzy and lean my hand on the bathroom cabinet
I want to end it. My eyes aren't blurry anymore and I can see my crimson blood dripping on the floor, it reminds me of the nightmare I had. I place the blade vertically  above the cut on my wrist; it's time
◀◀ End▶▶

A noise comes from my phone which lies on the marble counter
A notification comes up from my phone and the message reads;

You are loved;
your mistakes do not make you.
You are perfect and pure

The blade falls from my hand.
She made this quote. She loved writing poems and this was what she always used to say
How the quote was here on my phone  was surprising and it brought back the memories; so many memories

You are loved;
your mistakes do not make you
You are perfect and pure

It feels like she is here and not in New York.
"Not today", I yell
I don't know what I meant by that but not fucking today

🖤 🖤 🖤 🖤 🖤 🖤 🖤 🖤 🖤 🖤

A/N: To be honest, I tore up at this scene. Will see you in the next chapter