Fading Away ✅

Chapter Forty-six

Nothing has changed:

I cry myself to sleep but, this time I make sure I am very silent.

The urge to cut comes over me but there are no sharp objects in my room.

The voices tell me I can do it again and this time it will be successful but what if life hates me so much that it's willing to give me another chance to suffer again?

I can't sleep so I'm lying about crying myself to sleep. I do cry, it's just not to sleep.

The nightmares also present themselves if I'm lucky to get sleep during the day but this time Rose is not the only person I see.
I see mum, Brandon, and my friends.
If I'm even allowed to call them that.
I see Carson and Mr. Riz...

All of them with disappointed looks on their faces, cursing at me.

I am still guilty of Rose's death.

Carson is also disappointed but he comes with questions. He asks me why I refused to give a testimony against Riz Letterman, why I am letting him walk away freely.

Mr. Riz has me whimpering under him, the pain too much to bear and obeying his every order.

But each time, I jolt awake from these nightmares, Mum is by my side, holding me close; no questions asked.

So maybe, things did change. It changed for the worst.

Mum is always home these days watching my every move. She tries to be indiscreet in her actions and words but she's not good at it. I constantly hear her steps on the wooden floorboards outside my door and the dubious look on her face every time she peeps into my room to ask if I'm okay.

I hate that she thinks she has to walk on eggshells around me, that any word might trigger me into killing myself again.

Every Wednesday and Friday, I drag myself to my therapy appointments and give Dr. Claire the answers she wants from me.

The trick is to pretend that you're interested in the questions and anything she wants you to do to get better.

The moment I walk out of the building, the mask slips from my face and I bawl my eyes out in any ice cream shop on the days Mum doesn't go with me.

I am enjoying the few months of summer before college starts.

Well, before college starts for other people.

I am taking a year gap. Mum said it was essential at this time and I was ever ready to accept.
I have not applied to any college and I have no interest in it.

At exactly,2:59 pm, my steps patter down the stairs towards the front door.
I open the door when it's 3:00 and the delivery man lowers his fists, he gives me his usual smile before handing me the black and white card surprisingly in addition to a sunflower in its wrap.

I close the door behind me and bring the sunflower to my relishing the memory of telling Blaze two reasons sunflowers are my favorite flowers.

One, because it was one of the things Rose and I shared in common and
Two, sunflowers are not given recognition for their great value.

I grab a vase from the kitchen cabinet and fill it with water before going up to my room.

I put the case on my bedside table and grab the seal ready to untie the bow on the card, a knock on my door interrupts me.

Mum peeks into my room. Her eyes quickly moving from mine to the room failing to be indiscreet with her wandering eyes.

Her eyes come back to mine, a strained smile on her face.