Fading Away ✅

Chapter Twenty-two

I startle up from my bed panting, my heart thumping
The deafening sound dies down reminding me of the nightmare I just had. I feel pain all over

I have a pounding headache and I feel a stinging and burning sensation on my thigh

I groan trying to lift my upper body against my headboard
My head feels tighter and I feel dizzy. With difficulty, I turn my head towards my alarm clock and it reads five in the morning

Two hours until I have to get up from bed, get ready, and with that fix that smile on my face

These days, smiling just takes too much effort
I lay there in the dark replaying the nightmares I just had. My mind wanders to the panic attack on Saturday, the absence of the bracelet, and the message that keeps taunting me

I let out a whimper and break into sobs and at the same time; the voice tells me to stop overreacting because I deserve it

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I hate myself

I write into the thought book. The word "mess" is outlined boldly in the middle of the paper with words of hating myself and being broken surrounding it. I close it placing it on my bedside table. The sun is out and my clock reads seven

I  had been in bed since dawn crying but an hour later, I couldn't cry anymore and I resulted in writing my feelings down

Since Saturday, after I came back from Lucas' house, I have not left my room. I couldn't find the energy to get out of my room, fix a fucking smile and pretend everything is fine so when Mum came into my room at noon to ask why I was still in bed, I told her I had a headache and just needed rest

Fixing my gaze towards my closet mirror flung open, I carefully place my legs down by my bedside and lift myself. It takes every ounce of willpower not to sit back down.

Blood rushes up my head and it feels tight. A heavy feeling of weakness holds me down and I have to lean on objects to get to the mirror

Standing in front of the mirror fully naked, I stare at myself in disgust

My curly hair looks dull and lays in a bed's nest, my lifelats color in my eyes which are prominent contrasts to the paleness of my face

I hate my eyes that are scrutinizing

I hate my large lips

I hate my weight, I am too thin

I look down at my arms. Scars lay on both of them and I shudder. Down  my legs three scars lie; two on opposite sides of my thighs and the third on my knee

I had cut my thigh again, it felt like something I had to do. Since one was on my right thigh; it felt reasonable to make another one on the other thigh

I look back to the mirror and seeing my reflection makes me sick. I quickly look away from the mirror; unable to look at myself

The whiplash from my head causes the pounding of my head to intensify. I feel dizzy and I lean my hand on the mirror for support

I don't want to go to school today but I know that isn't an option. Mum is worried; she had come into my room yesterday to ask If I needed anything and to make sure I felt comfortable

She came into my room later in the day to tell me she had a shift to cover and to call her if I needed anything
Telling her I don't want to go to school will bring questions I don't want to answer and make her worry more about me

I limp to the bathroom to take a shower. The shower doesn't relieve the headache and my head throbs harder like a fight is going on in there. I need something that would help me through the day