Fading Away ✅

Chapter Forty-one

I let out a sob, cupping my hand over my mouth. When I think it cannot get worse, the universe decides to fuck me over more than I already am. I slink into the tub filled with water and immediately, its color slowly turns to red. The stinging pain on my thigh feels almost nonexistent as I lower myself into the tub.
The water covers my waist, then my stomach and soon only my face can be seen.
Like a spur, the text replays in my mind pushing me on before the water envelopes me completely. The pictures I had tried so hard to forget had come back to haunt me. I am the picture, I took those pictures and he had sent them in a form of threat to make sure I kept my mouth shut. I had kept it shut for a year so I didn't know why he needed reassurance. There is a battle on its way and it will hit me so badly I don't think I will ever recover.

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Mr. Holland stares at me grimly and hands over my paper to me.
"See me after class", he says and moves to the next table.

I stuff the paper into my bag and place my head on the table ignoring the eyes on me from my left.

"Are you okay?", a concerned look spreads over Mr. Holland's face which earns a bored look from me.
I twiddle the bracelet on my wrist fixing my gaze on the board behind his chair.

"I am fine"

"You seem out of it these days. Are you sure there's nothing wrong at home?"

"I said I am fine. Can you drop it?", I snap fixing a quick look at him.

He looks surprised but quickly shrugs it off.
"Fine but I deserve answers for your failing grades. It was a C the last time but today an E. Are you informed that graduation is just around the corner?"

A series of flashbacks filter in leaving me unable to speak.

"You're failing your classes..."

"...she's gone and there's nothing we can do"

I feel his hands on my back and I begin to claw at my cuts.

"Shh..., it's okay. I know it hurts but it's going to be okay"

Dizziness rocks me and I feel like my knees will give in under me. The pounding in my eyes and heart grow loud.

"She would want us to move on..."

"Don't struggle, it'll be over soon"

"Miss Magnus, Miss Magnus", Mr. Holland repeats.

My heart pounds aggressively against my chest and I am sure Mr. Holland can hear it, my heart feels tight and I run out of the classroom, ignoring his questions and baffled look.

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I felt more disoriented than I had been from the start of the day. In physical form, I am here-in school. I am walking through the hallways and I am attending classes but mentally, I am lost. Reminiscing left me shaken badly and now every sound I hear is triggering, has fear seizing me, tears coursing down my cheeks and my heart feels only one thing-tiredness.

A huge weight of tiredness that keeps crushing my heart into shreds.
I need relief.

The final preparations for graduation hang in the air but I honestly don't know if I can make it to it.

I was in Biology class when all of a sudden I grabbed a pen, and a sheet of paper, and words came flying out of me at full speed. I had written a suicide note. I don't know where the feeling to end everything came from but as I said, I am not even sure I can make it past today. What's the use?

I feel like a ton of bricks are on my back and with each day, I keep on pushing but the bricks have gotten heavier and I, am exhausted. Those bricks are now pushing me.