Grey IV - Chains

Chapter 12 - Shivers

"I saw Levi before I went to Nev. He, uh, he told me to tell you that, uh, 'it's going to be ok'. So, well yeah. Take that any way you want. Just don't shoot the messenger, or, you know, barbecue him."

I felt a tinge of guilt for not seeing my little brother, my littlest brother, for so long, but I didn't want him to see me like I was now, to hear my mind, to know it, to know me. Not anymore. No one so young should have to see the horrible things in my head. And honestly, I didn't know what I would have even said to him if I had seen him, if he had told me that everything was going to be ok.

'Thanks?' 'I don't believe you?' 'I wish you were right, but you're wrong and nothing will ever be ok again?' 'If it wasn't for you and a few select others, I'd rather see this world burn than save it?'

The silence dragged on in the car. I didn't have a response. But, as always, my brother did.

"Nicee. Went to see your bro before your h-"

"Think carefully about finishing that sentence. I don't care if you are driving, I will drain you and make us all crash. Don't test me."

"Ooh, I like it when you show your chivalrous side." Malachi fake swooned, Ailech rolled his eyes.

I turned up the heat for the second time and saw the side-eyed Malachi gave me, but I was so cold it physically hurt, regardless of the mild spring temperature outside. We rumbled along in silence, again, until Ailech broke it, again.

"Pretty sure Nev will figure out that we're gone, you know, since I was...with her one moment and then 'poof'." He made little starburst motions with his hands as he watched out his window.

"Let them. They won't know where to even start their search for us, and once they figure that, they'll know it would be fruitless to try to come after us. It would just be a danger for them to leave the protection of the Vault, which would, in turn, be a danger for us, which they won't do. Or, I'm sure that's how Abby'll explain it. Trust me, he's good at convincing people to do the smart thing without them even knowing they're being convinced.

Besides, I wasn't trying to have our entire absence be a secret, just to give us enough of a headstart that it wouldn't matter once they found out. And, I guess I thought your dramatic 'poof' exit would be just a little bit fun. I am an entertainer, after all, through and through."

Malachi gave a little flourish of a bow, arms outstretched as much as the confines of the vehicle would allow. Neither hand on the wheel, yet again.

"Are you ever serious? Like ever? Just once?"

I tried to tune out their continued bickering as I turned the heat up further, the little LED arrows no longer responding as I hit max. Malachi caught Ailech's eye this time, raising his eyebrows and nodding at his ghostly companion subtly in a silent battle of who would say something. Malachi lost as Ailech crossed his arms and pursed his lips.

"I thought I made it clear that incest really isn't my thing, sis. So if you're trying to get me to take my clothes off, I'll save us all the heatstroke and decline now."

"I'm just cold," I mumbled.

Another look passed between the driver and backseat.

"Just say whatever it is you're thinking. I'm not blind."

My voice had more edge to it than the situation warranted, but everything was grating me, made worse by my constant oscillation between holding back fire and holding in shivers.

"Is she okay?" Malachi asked Ailech somberly, the first serious thing he had said since our road trip began, ignoring my tone and me altogether.

"The truth? Of course not. Not a single thing in her is okay. But as for her body? Yeah, I mean, she isn't physically injured, I guess."

I gave a look over to Malachi as if I had somehow won, but he wasn't watching me. Instead, his long fingers were tapping the steering wheel to his secret tune, to whatever melody was always in his head when he was lost in thought.

Before I realized he had moved, his palm was lightly laid against my nose. I flinched back. It was easy to forget how fast he was, even compared to me.

"What the Hell are you doing?"

"Checking to see if your nose is cold, if you're sick," he answered so nonchalantly I would have laughed if the idea of any type of joy didn't seem so ludicrous.

"That's for dogs. I'm not a dog."

"Well, that may be so, but your nose is freezing and this car is damn near tropical - so, Brother Bear to the rescue."

He held out his hand casually, laying it on the center console between us.

"Come on. Don't make it weird," he encouraged without looking over.

I sighed my resignation after only a brief pause. And though I knew this wasn't a sustainable solution long-term, I would have done just about anything to chase the graveyard cold away.

That's what it felt like: death. Like I was feeling what James was, like our connection hadn't died, even if he had, and I was feeling the cold creep of wherever his lifeless body was lying. Sometimes I even swore I heard him, distant sounds of pain, of fear, echoing in my mind. But I had no shortage of memories of him being hurt for my guilt to reuse and I told myself that was all it was, my mind hurting me more, making me remember every sound of anguish that had ever passed his lips in my presence.

Memories couldn't explain away it all though. It seemed that my mind somehow had an endless well of new images and sounds to break me with too, things I knew I had never seen, things that weren't from my past, that weren't even real, but it didn't matter, I saw them nonetheless. His face bruised and swollen, broken bloody teeth bared, skin peeled back, pieces and parts missing. The images were gruesome, disgusting, but still my mind conjured them.

I laid the back of my hand in my brother's open one and felt his warmth spread through me like the quick spring thaw outside. I let myself enjoy that one small comfort, and closed my eyes.

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I knew what Ambriel was doing, it wasn't a new tactic, it was what every master had done to every slave for as long as people had owned people who were once free: break them, take everything, and then give them one thing to want, one thing to hold onto and value. And be the only one who could give it. That's how you gained loyalty, or at least, that's how you gained obedience, reverence.

If you left someone with nothing for too long, then eventually they realized they had nothing to lose, which could spur them to make a move against you. But if you held the one thing they wanted, needed, dangled it before them, even if it was as weak as the privilege to be their pet instead of their prisoner, then you could keep them exactly where you wanted them. You could control them.

I never thought that would work on me. I never thought I could break, but I felt myself fading away like blood diluted in too much water. It should have scared me, but the more I faded, the less I felt, except the cold and the pain, the despair, those always stayed just as sharp and strong, even as I grew weaker, as I sank further under and drifted off somewhere gray and empty...