Grey IV - Chains

Chapter 33 - Heart or Head

He didn't leave his room, his cell. He had no desire to, and Abby didn't have any other way to control him anyway. So he stayed, sitting staring at the door. I watched him with my Sight sometimes, from one wall over, but I didn't go to him. I didn't want to be near him. Kael and Nevaeh came, but it only hurt them more when James - Gabriel - ignored them. He gave Kael one glance, a judging sweep of his eyes, but that was all. No recognition, no words, no emotion. And no matter what his brother said to him, how he pleaded, what memories he brought up, even Ambriel, Gabriel wouldn't so much as look at him again. I wondered what he was thinking as he sat there, frozen like a wax figure, but I couldn't get into his mind when he was like that. It was almost like he didn't have one.

I shared blood with him, but there was no improvement. In fact, he had gotten worse since his arrival. He didn't speak to us anymore, to anyone, he didn't acknowledge his old Clan or me, he just stared. Only when I came in to cut him, to uselessly pour myself into him, did he show any awareness at all; a growl, a little curl of his lip like a dog showing its teeth in warning as he watched me. I used my Air to hold him each time, though I wondered if he would have moved even if I hadn't.

I hated how he was. I hated who he was and what he was. I hated him. And I hated myself for it. But with each day my Pair remained a broken doll, I sank further away too. I didn't want to talk to Malachi anymore. I couldn't talk with Kael. I shut Ailech and Abby out completely. I didn't mean to, not really, and maybe it wasn't so much that I shut them out, as that there was nothing inside for me to let them into. I was hollow, just like my Pair. How very fitting. I stayed in my room, just like Gabriel. I didn't do anything, just like Gabriel. I just didn't have it in me, the energy or will or - anything.

Three days and I felt like I was floating. I wasn't real, none of this was. God, I wished I wasn't real. Losing James was somehow not as hard as getting Gabriel back. What a sick joke, some twisted humor of the universe, like taking him from me wasn't enough, it had to give me back a monstrous replica just to keep digging deeper into the wound. What had I done to deserve this? What had any of us done?

It was one of the times I was thinking just that, when there was a knock at my door. I was so distracted by my own thoughts, always distracted, I hadn't even noticed anyone approach. I would so easily be killed if I wasn't hiding behind the protections of the Vault like the defeated creature I had become. It was Malachi, but before I could tell him to go away or pretend I wasn't there, he walked in and threw himself into my solitary chair.

"Hey sis, still feeling sorry for yourself?"

I blinked at him, mouth open like an idiot.

"What?"

"Do you need me to talk louder or slower? I don't think I can use any smaller words, so hopefully it isn't a vocabulary thing."

Now I was mad, but I was finally able to consistently control my fire and the darkness I had unknowingly inherited. I gritted my teeth, my fists balled by my sides, and took in a deep breath for all four counts. I met his yellow eyes, glowing like they did when he felt something strongly.

"I understand what you said. Why?"

"Do you love me?"

"What?" I echoed again. He wasn't making sense, jumping topics too quick, but he just raised his eyebrows at me, draping a leg over the arm of the chair casually, waiting.

"Yes, I love you."

"Then why are you turning your back on me, on all of us, throwing everything I've done for you back in my face?"

I opened my mouth to reply - though it would just be another confused question - but he raised a hand to halt me.

"Rhetorical questions." He waved it off and continued. "I gave up everything for you, tore myself apart and was willing to die for you. I killed Ailech for you. I changed my entire life for you because I believe in you, because you are different, and because I think you can win. But I wouldn't have chosen you, your side, if I knew how easily you would give up.