To My Youth [BL]

[13] All of That, Just to Become Who I Was (1/2)

𝘓𝘶𝘳𝘦, 𝘵𝘦𝘮𝘱𝘵, 𝘴𝘢𝘤𝘳𝘪𝘧𝘪𝘤𝘦.

The topic of the fight quickly ceased after a few days, with the school days immediately returning to how it was.

The third years were too busy memorising their essays, though that wasn't the case for the other years.

Despite being occupied with school, at this age, rumours spread quickly and bruited across the school with gossip and murmurs. From ear to mouth and mouth to ear, everything became common knowledge.

Wang Xing's parents came and demanded a thorough explanation and wanted Gu Xiao to be suspended, but that never went through with the reason of just being a minor disagreement.

Wang Xing was so embarrassed by the fuss his parents made, so he skipped school and couldn't bear to show his face. Also, since his body ached, he could barely move, so he needed to take a few days off.

It was fourth period, and surprisingly, Gu Xiao managed to finish one comprehension passage for Chinese literature without falling asleep entirely. But what he did was constantly complain now and then, sleep for a few minutes, then get distracted by colouring in the corners of the paper.

He wasn't sure how he would survive the end-of-semester, mock, or even the university entrance exam. The only passing he could do was passing out.

"Student President, where are you going at noon break?"

"Library."

"Can I come?"

Lan Yuning stared at him in surprise before nodding once. Soon, the teacher clapped and signalled the end of the lesson.

With Lan Yuning walking down the rows, he collected everyone's papers before handing them to the teacher.

The bell rang just in time, and immediately, half of the classmates started discussing the comprehension passage and the essay from last period.

✎✎✎

Zhang Yongyin already saved the three a spot at the crowded library, and they sat themselves down.

"Why are we at the library? I think this is my first time coming here. Were the tables always this brown?" Zhang Yongyin whispered to Gu Xiao.

"We're here to study. What else?"

"Study? Us? I mean, us, two?"

"What else did you think a library is for?"

"Playing mahjong?"

Gu Xiao slapped a hand over his face, letting a groan out in disappointment, and they finally opened their past papers.

He looked at the test in front of him. It was mathematics. It was the first paper he grabbed, and it would require too much effort to bend back down. And it just happened to be that, out of all his subjects, he was awful at maths.

Skimming through the base formula to the proofs question, he looked at the first part. How long had it been since he thoroughly read a question word for word?

He scribbled down on the page lazily while Song Anwen and Lan Yuning were discussing about their literature topic of the ego.

Looking at his booklet, Gu Xiao's mind drifted off elsewhere.

Zhang Yongyin sitting on his left, and two people sitting in front of them.

Just like those two of the past.

After his conversation with Mr. Shen and seeing this familiar seating arrangement, a new thought converged in his mind.

He wondered what it would be like if he remained the same as himself two years ago. He knew it would be different, but he couldn't help but feel afraid.

At once, the long-forgotten words that he said to him writhed themselves into his memories:

"Mock me. Mock me all you want. Do you not realise how much your actions and words mock me? To be good, you must do good. There is no benefit in telling me you are good, Gu Xiao. How would someone like you understand someone who walks in your shadows?"

To walk and live under someone's shadows. Gu Xiao would gladly be hidden away in the shadows of someone else where no eyes were on him, but it appeared some people were different.

Some people desired to live under the light where they were the only actors on the large stage. Once they realised the vulgarity of the artistic expression of what it meant to be human, they detached themselves from their role and merely became spectators, watching their shells of skin on the stage.

He wondered whether anyone still thought about him the same way he felt about him.

What if Lan Yuning said those words to him? No, that wouldn't happen because Lan Yuning was in the same place as he was in the past.

What if something he had done would result in the same effect?

People said he was loved by all; he had even heard those words 'you are loved by all' come out of his mouth. But the person who others admired was afraid of himself. 

Song Anwen and Lan Yuning were still discussing about one's ego, though none of their words made it to Gu Xiao's ears.

He brought his mind back to his papers and soon sunk in his own incredulity upon reading every word and sentence that he hadn't even realised he had written, or how much time had already passed, or how long he had been writing that the pencil markings had smudged on the side of his hand.

"Gu Xiao, what do you think?" Song Anwen asked.

He snapped out of his thoughts and blinked in confusion.

"Why do you think people have a big ego?"

"I don't know."

"Then, what do you think of people like Wang Xing?" Song Anwen asked.

The moment the three heard that name, they all displayed their own disgust on their faces, though Lan Yuning's one wasn't as apparent.

What followed that discomfort was the astonishment whirling in Gu Xiao's eyes.

He didn't know Song Anwen would be the type to talk about others since everyone saw him as someone who loved everyone and tried to find the good in the bad.

Even so, it was impossible to do so. To love everyone. To be loved by everyone. He was simply asking for an opinion or viewpoint, but the expression on Song Anwen's face had hints of underlying intellectual derangement.

Gu Xiao was unsure of what to respond, but staring into Song Anwen's eyes, there was this impression that he was seeking an answer from him.

An answer that would raise his interest and respond to his curiosities.

It was as though Song Anwen was testing him.