To My Youth [BL]

[35] The Back Fades into the Crowd (2/3)

Upon hearing this abrupt information, Lan Yuning still couldn't comprehend what Gu Xiao was saying. 

As though a murky fog, like pale smoke, consumed his mind blank. It travelled through his chest and to his head, and these blurred thoughts emerged from the emptiness like a short breeze on midsummer nights.

But this Lan Yuning breeze was chilly. It stung his skin and throat.

"For a holiday?" Lan Yuning asked, as his trembling pupils dilated a little.

"No," Gu Xiao uttered, "I'm going to be living there."

No sounds from the birds, the wind, or the chatters of the passing neighbours, absolutely nothing entered his mind at all. 

Lan Yuning's heart thumped slowly, and even his breath became unsettled, little by little. 

Even though he knew he was standing in the middle of a pathway, he had gradually forgotten where he was at all. 

Too many questions flew past his head, yet none of them were answered.

"Will you come back...?"

It would be a lie to deny that his question didn't stab Gu Xiao in the heart, because even he didn't know the answer. 

To see Lan Yuning's eyes shaking, his fists tightening, and his pinkish lips start to lose colour, it all wrung Gu Xiao's lungs and suffocated him with this self-violence. 

When all his days were simply this repetitive cycle where he had to push through just to find a reason to leave his bed and continue living through the next hours, he finally found a reason that kept him looking forward to school every day. 

Gu Xiao told himself to never be a burden to him, to never hurt him, to never make him feel uncomfortable.

Yet now, he was hurting him.

"I don't know," Gu Xiao responded.

Lan Yuning took a step back as the surge of conflictions swelled and erased the flickering light in his eyes.

"Why..." His voice started trailing away, blurring with the distinct noises of their surroundings.

When Gu Xiao saw the redness trickling up the corner of Lan Yuning's eye and the subtle tremors of his fingers as they held onto his sleeves, he was lost in thought for a long time. 

Although Gu Xiao expected the answer to his confession to either be a yes or no, he still couldn't prepare himself to hear it come from Lan Yuning's mouth. 

That was when Gu Xiao realised: Ah, he liked him too. All along, he liked him.

Even though Gu Xiao desperately wanted to break eye contact, his eyes didn't seem to want to move away. 

It seemed like everything that came into contact with Lan Yuning's glances instantly became a vague dream. 

Like a slight breeze gently brushing over him, only to make him fall asleep.

"I'm sorry," Gu Xiao murmured, shifting his hand to intertwine with Lan Yuning's fingers.

Yet, Lan Yuning immediately withdrew his arm, which twisted Gu Xiao's stomach into knots.

"I probably... look like a fool again," Lan Yuning uttered.

Every time he paused his sentences, his tender face would be filled with pain that one shouldn't have felt at this age.

Hearing his words, Gu Xiao froze again as though a circuit in his brain had been cut. Then, a wave of agony that was like a hot spring stream spread across his still aching chest. 

Grief and tenderness were intertwined along with bitterness and pain. For the first time in his life, he had never hated himself this much.

He reached his arm out to Lan Yuning. "No, I—"

Without hesitating, Lan Yuning avoided Gu Xiao's grasp and took another step back. His gaze darkened, the pain in his eyes subsided, and his expression became more and more vicious.

"I... I like you," he stammered. "I liked you..."

His soft voice didn't echo down the park at all. Like a willow in the wind, his small body lightly shook. 

In the end, Lan Yuning covered the lower half of his face with the back of his hand and could no longer hold back his emotions.

This pain hurt both of them that they could dig out both their hearts with sharpened nails. 

To hear Lan Yuning say it to him made Gu Xiao drown deeper and deeper in his own tangling thoughts. Why? Why would Lan Yuning like him? 

Although he never minded how harsh his reality was, he wondered why Lan Yuning would like someone like him who had nothing. 

He was dirt poor. He was stubborn. He made a lot of mistakes. He was sometimes irrational. The list could go on and on.

This was the grating reality of life. 

He liked Lan Yuning. 

He loved the way he would hide his smile and the way he would try to cheer him up through the little things that he does. 

He couldn't help but allow his gaze to always land on him, no matter where they were. 

Even if there were crowds of people surrounding them, Gu Xiao always found this boy amongst the sea of people. 

He didn't want Lan Yuning to simply be someone he once knew in high school. 

He wanted to be with him, even when he was utterly tired. 

He wanted to be with him when he was happy. 

He wished Lan Yuning wouldn't push him away, but sometimes, life couldn't comply to his selfish requests. 

Gu Xiao couldn't afford to look away from the reality of his own life and the place he belonged. 

He couldn't afford to lose anyone or anything, all because of his own selfishness, even if it meant he had to lose himself again.

It was painful. It was really painful.

After enduring the pain for so long, the line that Gu Xiao always set had never disappeared at all. 

The line laid right before their feet, and what stemmed from the line was a thick brick wall.

Lan Yuning shook his head lightly. The knife kept plunging deeper and deeper.

"I'm going... to go."