To My Youth [BL]

[15] Her Diary (2/2)

After reading a couple of entries, Gu Heiyu wanted to bury her head under her pillow in shame.

She was whining so much two to three years ago and maybe even exaggerated some parts, but it was so hard to read her old diary without having chills constantly crawl up her skin.

When she flipped through the rest of the pages, a folded letter fell out, and she picked it up. Gu Heiyu was the type to always record her day and make physically appealing journals.

So, she knew this letter was probably another cheesy documentation. She unfolded the paper and skimmed through it, only to be surprised by how recent this one was.

XXX4

It's been a few months since we moved to Beijing and Gu Xiao looks like he's doing much better, but I know he is still blaming himself for what happened.

When our parents divorced.

When both mum and his friend disappeared before him.

When we had to move once again with our dad to Beijing.

When he received countless phone calls from his new school after he moved.

When everyone constantly expressed their disappointment with his behaviour.

There was much more, but it would take too long if I was to list everything.

Gu Xiao constantly blamed himself for everything:

"If only I didn't go to school that day and stayed with mum."

"If only I did something to ease his misery, he wouldn't have headed to the top of that building."

"If only I tried harder to help both of them."

"If only I tried to speak up instead of staying silent."

When I didn't wake him up for school, I think a part of me wanted him to sleep more. I don't know if that's what he needed since he never said anything. I assumed that was why he slept a lot in class and always slept in.

He was tired.

He knew he was tired himself, but what he was afraid of was having fingers pointed at him.

This was the strange part. He would direct all fingers and blame towards him to help others, but he would also be afraid of the judgement.

I can't help much, but I hope Gu Xiao is aware that there are so many people who would be devastated if he was to fall back into a place beyond reach.

Sometimes, I feel like he will just leave without saying anything like his friend or mum.

Although he expresses himself sometimes, he always stops halfway—afraid of saying any more—and then he will swallow it back down and bury it once again. Because he fears hurting those around him with his "trivial" emotions.

Once he utters out the first word of his most profound feelings, he realises how absurd they sound, so he stops and doesn't say anything more.

The fact that after everything that happened, and he was forced back into the world, he still tried to live up to their expectations.

After all, he was afraid that he would really fall into an endless place if he didn't. But I knew his mind couldn't take it anymore. Yet, he still tried.

All those awards from school, those trophies from sports events, those medals from academic competitions, those certificates from community services, all of those that he hid in a small box.

I remember that day when he threw them out.

As much as those medals once defined him, all they did was strangle him, since he saw them as a reminder. The expectations placed on him at school. The expectations of others. He had to carry it all, even though he didn't need to.

Even with all those achievements, his teachers and even classmates pitied him. They invalidated his hard work and simply linked it to because he came from a broken and poor family, so that was why he was trying so hard in school.

Then, he said to himself: "I am not the same anymore. Why did I turn out like this?"