The Heartbreaker Agreement

Chapter Seventeen: Self-Destruction

"Avalon, do you know why you're here?" The woman asked, her hands resting on top of a white note pad, and a black pen bouncing against her fingers. She was staring intently at me, as if she thought I'd do it all again in her office, but I wouldn't. I wasn't going to screw up like that again because I finally had closure. Someone up there wanted me down here and I was going to be okay, no matter how tough things were about the get.

"Because I tried to kill myself,"

***

Two Days Earlier:

I haven't spoken for seven days. I haven't been to school for ten days. My mother hasn't yelled at me for four days. Jaimie hasn't questioned me for eight days. I haven't showered in three days. I haven't seen Jaxon for eleven days. I've been torn apart for eleven days. I'm no longer Avalon; I'm a shell of what I used to be.

All I could do was hear Jaxon's voice in my head and then my mother's. It was a repeating sequence of words that continued to rip me to the core. I wanted to blame those two people for my pain, but the cold truth was that I, Avalon Blue Smoak, was the cause of my own pain. I agreed to break Jaxon Rhyker's heart. I went through with the agreement. I fought with my mom. I painted the side of the school. I punched three different girls. I went to visit my brother. It was me, and no matter how bad it hurt to admit that.

I knew that it was true because no one made me do a damn thing.

"Kill yourself and do us all a favor,"

His voice was so cold when he said that; he meant it.

I had spent thanksgiving home alone, in my room, with Sarah calling every two hours until Jaimie was home. They were worried about me the most, and after spending the weekend with Sarah at a hotel room, I felt as if our friendship had become more developed. We talked about Emily and our fight; we cried and we hugged each other. Sarah was still my best friend and I knew she wasn't going anywhere.

Not long after I came home, my mother yelled at me for skipping school and then again for stealing her credit card and using it. When thanksgiving was over, I didn't even bother to yell back at her anymore. She took away my phone and all the electronics in my room. She even went as far as taking away my art supplies. I was completely unbothered by it, but she continued to try and get a rise out of me.

When nothing worked she sent Jaimie into my room, but I couldn't find it in me to talk and so she came back it. Since then she hasn't talked to me at all, but Jaimie swore three days ago that she wasn't' going to stop until I talk, but now that it's almost December, I know that she'll come back in and try to force me to go to school again.

"Avalon," Jamie came into my room and for the first time in a while, I made a sound that didn't resemble a cry. "Your mom wanted me to check on you." I nodded and she let out a low sigh before walking towards my place on my bed and sitting down.

The bed sank down as she sat next to me and I tried my hardest to ignore her presence, until she began to stroke my hair. It was quiet for a moment until my horrid thoughts consumed my mind and tears began to fall down my cheeks.

"What did I do?" Jaimie asked, and genuine concern filled her voice, causing me to sob.

"When is it going to get better?" I asked, the first words I'd spoken in so long, even to myself, and they were hoarse, caked in a scratchy sound that made me flinch. Jaimie looked down at me, her eyes wide with shock.

Jaimie pulled me into her as I continued to cry and she rocked us gently. "Life gets better when you let it get better, Avalon. You can't stay in here and let it tear you away, you have to get up." I nodded and she held me for a long while, letting me allow myself to cry. After a long while she pulled away and gave me a small smile. "Why don't you take a shower, it's pretty late and it might make you feel better."